I Would've Made A Good Father

[KKLoco]

Double edged sword. Many comments in this thread, with only one person still together with the person they had kids with. 

Being a parent is great! All the way up until your partner turns into a selfish toxic piece of shit - and takes the kids away from you. I can tell you that there is not much more pain than this. I spent over 8 years depressing over the loss of my children. The pain still isn't gone as I missed pretty much all their teenage years. I will NEVER forgive my ex for this. My relationship with my son (he will be 21 in two months), is still not where it should be, thanks to his mother. Thankfully, my daughter saw through all her mom's lies. We just got back from New Orleans on an 8 day vacation with her and her boyfriend. At least I hav that, I guess.......

BTW, you aren't a failure. I actually applaud all my friends that never got married or had kids. In today's world, its the safest bet to sustain sanity.

[AlroyFarms]

Being a parent is great! All the way up until your partner turns into a selfish toxic piece of shit - and takes the kids away from you. 

Sorry, KKLoco. Sounds like a typical nightmare to me. 

After hearing some of the horror stories I have, sometimes I wonder if maybe I was lucky I never got too serious in my relationships.

Maybe I'm just feeling a bit of the old 'grass is greener' since I never got to step over to that side. 

I guess being a great Father doesn't mean much if you don't get to see your kids. Sorry man, really.

[andy06shake]

I’m talking about being a man, a male father, pater, sire, whatever. I’m not talking about being a birthing person participant or whatever they call it now.

Let me also preface this by saying that I’ve been made fun of by partners many times for having ‘parental issues’ e.g. daddy issues/ mommy issues.  So if you want to call me a loser incel, basically get in line.

To whatever extent that may be true, I have always tried to overcome my depression and grudges in my own way. And to make fun of someone for their traumas, losses, regrets, challenges is just plain not cool, and it’s not something I ever do. I work very hard to listen to my partners and understand them, and not resort to mockery.

Mockery is just a last-ditch effort at emotional self-defense. Certainly I’m not perfect either, but I will step into the batter’s box when I’m called up.

So what am I getting at?

Well, the importance of the nuclear family unit and how it helps shape future relationships.

At first glance just look at how much crime and poverty, lack of education and upward movement is correlated to the single-parent household.

I’m not even saying you have to go the traditional Christian family values route (though it has been developed as a tried-and-true method I wouldn’t mind subscribing to.) Do we want to get into cultures that sold daughters as child brides to have fewer mouths to feed? Neither do I.

I get there can be 2 moms and 2 dads and I’ve recently heard the term ‘thrupple’ (God, no thanks.)

Things can be good in different ways. There isn’t only one solution. But what solution is already pretty reliable and effective? The nuclear family unit: man, woman, children.

I mean there is a reason most of humanity has been doing it this way for thousands and thousands of years. It’s nature, and it works. I’m sure I don’t need to cite the Utopian Mouse Experiments to show a model of basic mammalian social structure and downfall (population density is the culprit,) or as I said just start looking into statistics of the single-parent household.

Now why am I so screwed up myself? Well I had the most absent deadbeat dad you can imagine, who did some pretty despicable shit to his family. Alcoholic. And so was my mother, alcoholic.

They were both entirely absent for much of what I can remember. I have no memories of being told it’s my bedtime, or is my homework done? Just a lot of memories of being behind locked doors and passed around from household to household. Never being heard or seen.

In short my parents didn’t want to, or were incapable of dealing with me as a child. They just blame each other whenever I have tried talking about it. F that. No one makes a parent stop being a parent.

I grew up with a weird sense of overconfidence and extreme self-doubt. Confidence in my abilities and intelligence, but self-doubt that I have no value and don't matter to anybody.

Relationships are based on a lot of feedback cues and adjustments (I think.)

So here I am, no marriage, no children, and no relationships to speak of other than tangling with toxic weirdos from time to time. And I’d like to emphasize most women I’ve ever known have some ‘daddy issues’ as well.

I feel it’s getting too late to try, and I’m just caring less and less about the future. I’m getting old.

At my age, anyone good is already taken, anyone not taken is broken too, or else requires more meth than I can realistically deal!

Anyways I recently bought myself a mountain bike. I think that triggered some weird kind of memory thorn.

I never had a dad teach me how to pedal. Never had a dad teach me how to change my oil or redo my fences. Toss the old ball around. Never had a parent teach me how to deal with life when it’s tough or unfair. Ain’t no sage wisdom being passed down to me!

And now I feel like I would’ve been great at that stuff! All that I had to learn on my own, trial and error, setting goals, finding success, and dealing with defeat.

This is all important stuff. And it needs to come from both sides of the river, the male and the female, the mom and the dad. 

I love the recent trends of women saying men are useless, society doesn't need them; and even on a personal level men are not needed. Uh huh. At least I'm not that freaking far gone. 

I saw something recently in the grocery that kinda made me smile, gave me a little hope. A woman was asking a younger daughter maybe like 8 years "So this is 2 for $X.xx and this one is this price. But this other brand is on sale too. So which is the cheapest deal?"

Just imagine a parent investing in their kids' future and development. What is more beautiful than that?

I often imagine the life I could’ve had if only someone ever taught me I do have some value. Because now I see I have walked through life assuming everybody hates me and found no evidence to the contrary. I didn't even know how to cultivate anything else. Learning to love yourself in a vacuum is the final boss of psychology.

I wish like hell I could’ve passed something on to someone else for their happiness, brightness, and success. I wish I could've helped spare someone from the bullshit fucked up life I had to live. But here I am a perpetual loser in society, an outcast, an untouchable pariah.

But I dunno, from my perspective society doesn’t look so precious sometimes either. Once the AI sex dolls are perfected all bets are off!

For now, at least the cat is comfortable and well fed.

You're wrong about being a "perpetual loser."

And the fact that you care, can reflect on your past, and wish to break the cycle, already makes you more of a man than the one who abandoned you.

It's never too late, if you sort yourself out, and if your financial situation allows, you could think about becoming a foster carer somewhere down the line.

Or maybe something like mentoring could work for you? 

Don't let bitterness write your ending mate.

Keep showing up, even if it's just for your cat.

[KKLoco]

Sorry, KKLoco. Sounds like a typical nightmare to me. 

After hearing some of the horror stories I have, sometimes I wonder if maybe I was lucky I never got too serious in my relationships.

Maybe I'm just feeling a bit of the old 'grass is greener' since I never got to step over to that side. 

I guess being a great Father doesn't mean much if you don't get to see your kids. Sorry man, really.

Yup, once or twice a year. Haven't seen my son in almost 2 years. 

The phrase 'It's better to love and lost, than to never loved at all' - is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT!!!

So is 'No pain, no gain'.

And 'Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger'. More like 'makes you angrier'.

We've been placed into a system that was designed to fail from the get go. I'm convinced that non-toxic relationships are in the major minority. The comments in this thread prove as much. The only relationships that work in our day and age, are old fashioned ones. Feminism absolutely destroyed cohesive relationships. It's not possible to have a positive relationship if individuals won't accept their roles, and do that crazy thing called 'contribute' or 'reciprocate'. Most women today, expect superheroes out of their men. While having zero accountability for themselves.

That's the problem with having kids. You have to have them with someone else....

[AlroyFarms]

That's the problem with having kids. You have to have them with someone else....

Don't even get me started on the attack of the Nuclear Family after WW2. 

While I think there has been seeable, definite progress (like hey I get not everyone wants to be a Trad Wife slaving over the stove 18 hours a day.) I get different courses for different horses and all. We should all have the freedom to pursue our destinies and feelings. 

I just think the family unit needs to be a hell of a lot better. We can do better.

It's kinda the most important thing that we do better by each other *sigh*

[KKLoco]

Yes, the father always gets screwed. It comes down to money. The state knows that if the mom has custody of the kids, they can go after the father for child support. The last thing they want, is the mother on food stamps, welfare, and free healthcare. The mom literally has to be a drug addict AND a prostitute, for the father to get the kids in a custody battle. It has NOTHING to do with what's best for the kids. It's all about what's financially best for the state. Perfect example, my ex perjured herself on the stand over 30 times in our custody battle. She was caught red-handed in every one of them. Judge didn't care. He had already made up his decision before the court date started. In the words of my lawyer on the first day of a 3 day custody battle, "This isn't good. I think the judge has already made up his mind. I think he's on Facebook on his computer. He's not even paying attention". Essentially, what I'm telling you is - save your money if ever in that scenario. It's a dog and pony show to make you believe you have a chance. When in reality, it's just a money grab for all the lawyers involved. $20k down the drain in that one instance....

The system is rigged against fathers, plain and simple. That's why you shouldn't feel bad about not having kids. You probably dodged a bullet. Relish in your freedom and lack of obligations. Those obligations are what keep me here. Even though I don't want to be. A true catch-22.

[andy06shake]

Don't even get me started on the attack of the Nuclear Family after WW2. 

While I think there has been seeable, definite progress (like hey I get not everyone wants to be a Trad Wife slaving over the stove 18 hours a day.) I get different courses for different horses and all. We should all have the freedom to pursue our destinies and feelings. 

I just think the family unit needs to be a hell of a lot better. We can do better.

It's kinda the most important thing that we do better by each other *sigh*

Truth is, they undermined the family unit as soon as it became unavoidable for both parents to work nearly every hour god sends. 

Just to keep the lights on.

And a roof over their heads.

Kind of hard to parent if you are not around to do so.

[AlroyFarms]

Truth is, they undermined the family unit as soon as it became unavoidable for both parents to work nearly every hour god sends. 

Just to keep the lights on.

And a roof over their heads.

Kind of hard to parent if you are not around to do so.

Sounds a little orchestrated, doesn't it?

[andy06shake]

Sounds a little orchestrated, doesn't it?

It certainly proves that equality has its price.

And even when the paradigm changes, TPTB will still have their pound of flesh one way or the other without care for the common man.  

Things like grandparents actively involved in family life help there.

But they die all too soon, and not every family has them.

[Shoshanna]

My dad was a stern man, strict, uptight, "square". He was also the most hilarious person I have ever known. Nobody has ever made me laugh harder than him. And effortlessly too. Just deadpan. Just thinking about his facial expression when he would deliver one of his "zingers" makes me smile today.

He took good care of me and I think that is the operative word. Care. I just knew deep down that he cared about me. He was a single dad. He always had my best interest in mind and spent a lot of time with me.

I am aware of how lucky I am to have such an excellent role model. He taught me car repairs, home repairs. He showed me the bills and how he paid them and how he would set money aside for the awesome vacations we took every year and took me grocery shopping for deals too.

He never had to tell me to do my homework. That was an unspoken expectation.

It really is luck of the draw with parents/childhood/upbringing though, isn't it? I got VERY lucky with who my dad was and how he raised me.

I don't know what's gone on with you, but I got married at 20! DUMB!! Spent 16 years married and then he decides he basically doesn't want me anymore. DUMB!!! BUT at least I have no children to drag through that mess. So now I am in the same boat where any guy who is my age that is single probably has major problems and then the younger guys......like I don't know what they want from me. I'm skeptical of the younger guys' motives. Nobody older has approached me I don't know why.