Trying to move beyond the grief.

[Maxmars]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

If I may presume to add this post, at this late point in the conversation...

It may seem like I'm thinking that both you and I are similarly afflicted with similar hardships...

Like you, I have lost my wife a little over two years ago... we had been together for 43 years.. (we married young.)

Unlike you, my wife is not here any longer because nothing I could have done would have stopped her from leaving.  She suffered a years-long decline which had reached the point of "nothing we can do" unless you're a billionaire.

I too have reached the "little over two years ago" place... so in this regard, we may see some relatable feelings.  

I cry still... I still hear songs and words that ring that terrible bell... 
its sound announces my sorrow... I have no friend of the soul anymore...
Every memory of joy is accompanied by the bold 'end page' featuring a big picture of her smiling at me...
.. and me wondering if there will be a hereafter in which I could find her again.
(it gets worse, but I'll stop there with my own insecurities and haunting weakness.)

And I am now in a place of lonesomeness that I had not even considered a "lifestyle" before.

I continue because it's who I am... what I'm here for...

But the loss of my deepest and most true friend was something I childishly rejected as 'not gonna happen on my watch.'  Pride and righteousness cannot make up for the remainder of the grief.

I can only hope and pray that you are not feeling this sense of "I will now die alone, I will never laugh from my heart in joy again"... 
It's a depressing thought...
and one which I thought I might spare you by NOT posting the inspiration you provided me.

But like you... I have reached a point where I am wondering....
when and how could I 'incidentally' or 'accidentally' meet someone who would ever even tolerate the 
idea of 'someone like me' as a partner with which to share ... ?love,? or even just a 'real' connection?

I was a lottery winner when it came to my wife... I was not then, nor am I now, someone who can conceive of "going out and finding a girlfriend."  Not a looker.. not a hunk... and now permanently bound in loneliness.

I suppose I am quite a bit older than you are... since I really can't fathom 'app' dating.

I visited some bars (with another grieving friend) but I got the distinct impression that literally everyone there was on a 'different' page than I was.

I long to relive the past with my wife... and I'm afraid that only a saint would ever find the patience to deal with my practical state of dating virginity... I have no idea 'how' to date... 'how' to know if that's even a "thing" as I think of it. Add to that, I don't have a substantial social network to plum for possibilities...

So I would think that even if your not "ready" to date...
just let it be known upfront...
You might find a good person who will prove they can 'help you be ready' to feel that kind of connection again.

Never say 'never.'

In another environment, I would want to spend time with you... just for the comfort of knowing you can understand the 'space' I'm in. 
And maybe we could help each other somehow...
(no, I'm not flirting with you.) 

Just two weeks ago, my Wife's best friend died... her husband is so much stronger than I...

It sent me back to grieve.... and dream of them meeting in the 'other' place that might exist.

If only to hope that I might be so lucky...

Be well... some of us are rooting for you with all our hearts.

[putnam6]

 I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss.
 
I can really relate to what you’re describing. In my case, right before the accident I had actually stepped down from a board position so I could spend more time with my husband. His elderly dog had just passed, and we were making plans to travel more together.  We were even set to leave on a birthday cruise less than a week after the accident.
 
If I hadn’t already resigned, I know I would have buried myself in work the way your sister has. In some ways, I still do.  Over the past few months, I’ve been pouring most of my time and attention into an animated series I’m working on. It’s been grounding and absorbing, but it’s also a reminder that work can only fill so much space.
 
I think we all find different ways to survive this kind of loss, each with its own trade-offs.

Creative work is a great place to get lost in on some days and weeks; you will find your balance. It has to be interesting and more rewarding than being a lowly sales rep/independent contractor.

An animation series? thats pretty cool, is this something you've done before? Or is it brand new?

Maybe find some classes or animation artist events around you.

[argentus]

If I may presume to add this post, at this late point in the conversation...

It may seem like I'm thinking that both you and I are similarly afflicted with similar hardships...

Like you, I have lost my wife a little over two years ago... we had been together for 43 years.. (we married young.)

Unlike you, my wife is not here any longer because nothing I could have done would have stopped her from leaving.  She suffered a years-long decline which had reached the point of "nothing we can do" unless you're a billionaire.

I too have reached the "little over two years ago" place... so in this regard, we may see some relatable feelings.  

I cry still... I still hear songs and words that ring that terrible bell... 
its sound announces my sorrow... I have no friend of the soul anymore...
Every memory of joy is accompanied by the bold 'end page' featuring a big picture of her smiling at me...
.. and me wondering if there will be a hereafter in which I could find her again.
(it gets worse, but I'll stop there with my own insecurities and haunting weakness.)

And I am now in a place of lonesomeness that I had not even considered a "lifestyle" before.

I continue because it's who I am... what I'm here for...

But the loss of my deepest and most true friend was something I childishly rejected as 'not gonna happen on my watch.'  Pride and righteousness cannot make up for the remainder of the grief.

I can only hope and pray that you are not feeling this sense of "I will now die alone, I will never laugh from my heart in joy again"... 
It's a depressing thought...
and one which I thought I might spare you by NOT posting the inspiration you provided me.

But like you... I have reached a point where I am wondering....
when and how could I 'incidentally' or 'accidentally' meet someone who would ever even tolerate the 
idea of 'someone like me' as a partner with which to share ... ?love,? or even just a 'real' connection?

I was a lottery winner when it came to my wife... I was not then, nor am I now, someone who can conceive of "going out and finding a girlfriend."  Not a looker.. not a hunk... and now permanently bound in loneliness.

I suppose I am quite a bit older than you are... since I really can't fathom 'app' dating.

I visited some bars (with another grieving friend) but I got the distinct impression that literally everyone there was on a 'different' page than I was.

I long to relive the past with my wife... and I'm afraid that only a saint would ever find the patience to deal with my practical state of dating virginity... I have no idea 'how' to date... 'how' to know if that's even a "thing" as I think of it. Add to that, I don't have a substantial social network to plum for possibilities...

So I would think that even if your not "ready" to date...
just let it be known upfront...
You might find a good person who will prove they can 'help you be ready' to feel that kind of connection again.

Never say 'never.'

In another environment, I would want to spend time with you... just for the comfort of knowing you can understand the 'space' I'm in. 
And maybe we could help each other somehow...
(no, I'm not flirting with you.) 

Just two weeks ago, my Wife's best friend died... her husband is so much stronger than I...

It sent me back to grieve.... and dream of them meeting in the 'other' place that might exist.

If only to hope that I might be so lucky...

Be well... some of us are rooting for you with all our hearts.

Maybe sometimes we learn by teaching.   Your words really touched me.   Both of you.

[Velvet Elvis]

Creative work is a great place to get lost in on some days and weeks; you will find your balance. It has to be interesting and more rewarding than being a lowly sales rep/independent contractor.

An animation series? thats pretty cool, is this something you've done before? Or is it brand new?

Maybe find some classes or animation artist events around you.

 Thanks. I agree. Creative work can be both grounding and absorbing in a way few other things are.
 
I worked at Disney for years, up until the Fox merger and the massive layoffs.  

This project is something new and independent- my first time developing a series entirely on my own, which has been both challenging and surprisingly rewarding. :)  It's about two UFO reporters chasing leads and getting themselves in and out of trouble. 
 
If you’re curious, I’ve been sharing bits of it on Twitter/X here:
https://x.com/CosmicConfidntl

[putnam6]

 Thanks. I agree. Creative work can be both grounding and absorbing in a way few other things are.
 
I worked at Disney for years, up until the Fox merger and the massive layoffs.  

This project is something new and independent- my first time developing a series entirely on my own, which has been both challenging and surprisingly rewarding. :)  It's about two UFO reporters chasing leads and getting themselves in and out of trouble. 
 
If you’re curious, I’ve been sharing bits of it on Twitter/X here:
https://x.com/CosmicConfidntl

Youve piqued my interest...

Ive got too many questions

Was that Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp? Cool...

So we can assume you have mature themes?

Is it all a WIP, or do you have episode(s) complete

Isn't Brazil where there was an alleged firefight between NHBs and Special Forces, supposedly occurred, IIRC

You have a new follower...

[DontTreadOnMe]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I understand that feeling that something is missing in your life.  Having a life partner leave leaves a hole in your heart that never fully heals.
If it were me, I think I'd avoid the online dating route.  I would prefer meeting in person.  My experience with dating services decades ago wasn't great.   Just too hard to judge sincerity in the written word, for me.
And when all was said and done, I met my life partner where I worked.

FWIW, I've been with my husband for 34 years.  He has had ME/CFS for the last 3+ years.   There is no cure or treatment.   They say it is the worst chronic illness to have.

[LightAngel]

You're right it can't be forced but I can put myself in situations that make finding it more likely.

Yes, but you will always love him!

And when you have had the "perfect" partner then nobody will be good enough for a long time.  

There is no universal timeline.

There is just emotional readiness (some people never want a new partner because they choose to stay true even in death).

In practice it's about whether someone has reached a point where the new partner can be welcomed as themselves.

Grief can make us cling to familiarity, but healing makes room for curiosity again, the kind of openness where you can meet a new person. 

Again, I wish you the best.

[Velvet Elvis]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I understand that feeling that something is missing in your life.  Having a life partner leave leaves a hole in your heart that never fully heals.
If it were me, I think I'd avoid the online dating route.  I would prefer meeting in person.  My experience with dating services decades ago wasn't great.   Just too hard to judge sincerity in the written word, for me.
And when all was said and done, I met my life partner where I worked.

FWIW, I've been with my husband for 34 years.  He has had ME/CFS for the last 3+ years.   There is no cure or treatment.   They say it is the worst chronic illness to have.

Thank you for sharing that and I’m so sorry you and your husband are dealing with ME/CFS. I have some experience with that and I know it's a difficult condition, especially given how invisible and misunderstood it can be.
 
 Some people do experience improvement over time, even after years, but of course, there's no guarantees. You might want to try working with his diet- especially making sure he's getting enough protein.  In my experience, simple things like that can provide some relief.  I truly hope your husband finds some degree of remission or stabilization.
And 34 years together-  that’s something very special. Wishing you both as much strength and steadiness as possible.

[Velvet Elvis]

Youve piqued my interest...

Ive got too many questions

Was that Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp? Cool...

So we can assume you have mature themes?

Is it all a WIP, or do you have episode(s) complete

Isn't Brazil where there was an alleged firefight between NHBs and Special Forces, supposedly occurred, IIRC

You have a new follower...

Glad it sparked some interest. Here’s the short version:

1. Was that Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp? Cool...
Yes and no. They’re fictionalized versions inspired by the real-world journalists.  It’s a narrative series, not a documentary, but it definitely plays in that space between real life and mythology.

2. So we can assume you have mature themes?
There are mature themes, though more existential/psychological than graphic but it's definitely not aimed at children.

3.Is it all a WIP, or do you have episode(s) complete
Right now, it’s a mix.  Some pieces are complete; others are still very much WIP.  "Episodes" are going to range from 1-3 minutes long I’ve been releasing shorts and episodes as they’re ready rather than waiting for a full season drop. I'm currently working on episode 3 and hoping to get it out by the end of the week.  I have an entire season of episodes written (about 14 -15 depending on how I choose to break things up) and hoping to get them all out by the time Contact In The Desert rolls around at the end of May. 

4. Isn't Brazil where there was an alleged firefight between NHBs and Special Forces, supposedly occurred, IIRC
Yes, Brazil is one of several historical threads that informed the story. I’m pulling from well-known cases, but always through a fictional lens.
 
Appreciate the follow- and I’m happy to field any other questions…

[putnam6]

Glad it sparked some interest. Here’s the short version:

1. Was that Jeremy Corbell and George Knapp? Cool...
Yes and no. They’re fictionalized versions inspired by the real-world journalists.  It’s a narrative series, not a documentary, but it definitely plays in that space between real life and mythology.

2. So we can assume you have mature themes?
There are mature themes, though more existential/psychological than graphic but it's definitely not aimed at children.

3.Is it all a WIP, or do you have episode(s) complete
Right now, it’s a mix.  Some pieces are complete; others are still very much WIP.  "Episodes" are going to range from 1-3 minutes long I’ve been releasing shorts and episodes as they’re ready rather than waiting for a full season drop. I'm currently working on episode 3 and hoping to get it out by the end of the week.  I have an entire season of episodes written (about 14 -15 depending on how I choose to break things up) and hoping to get them all out by the time Contact In The Desert rolls around at the end of May. 

4. Isn't Brazil where there was an alleged firefight between NHBs and Special Forces, supposedly occurred, IIRC
Yes, Brazil is one of several historical threads that informed the story. I’m pulling from well-known cases, but always through a fictional lens.
 
Appreciate the follow- and I’m happy to field any other questions…

Thank you for your responses... I have loads of questions,

I was thinking of episodes that would work in a 30-minute TV time slot, perhaps creative editing

Are you on other platforms Youtube etc.?

As for the other questions might be best to open a thread in a different forum, but Im interested in this from a few angles.

posted a new thread here

https://denyignorance.com/Thread-Cosmic-Confidential-VE

hope thats OK...