Trying to move beyond the grief.

[Quantum12]

When you are not looking for love, love finds you! I am sorry for your loss and may his memory be a blessing.

[Roma]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

First off, I'm very sorry for your loss.  I think what you're experiencing now is a natural part of losing a partner.  You'll never replace him, but perhaps in time there will be room in your heart for another.

My father passed when I was 20.  I watched my mother as she lived her life alone for 20 years until she finally met someone.  They married and lived a beautiful life together until he passed a couple of years ago.  I will say that my mother was lucky enough to find true love in this world not once, but twice.  The lesson I learned is that you don't find love, it finds you.  And there is no clock.

I wish you all the best.  Take your time and you will know deep down when you're ready for someone new.  

On a different note, @FlyersFan I will DM you about your husband if that's okay. 

Cheers.

[putnam6]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

Very sorry for your loss. You will find your path, don't quit searching. 18-24 months is about that time, though

 I'm not a huge believer in dating apps; try loose social groups, be open to new ways, be honest with yourself and your comfort level, and trust your instincts always. 

My sister lost her husband when she was in her late 40s. She is a workaholic, puts her energy there, and her work and friend circle. It's like she has said, she would prefer to date/ have relationships within that sphere, but that has its pitfalls too.

It can not be easy for women, and I know it's not easy for men. I prefer being in a relationship, but even casual dating with like-minded people just isn't on my radar at the moment. I've probably been out of the swimming pool too long. I know a handful that have reconnected with old flames from their high school/college years

I always tell her and my daughters to watch out for the schmucks and shysters; there are so many more of them, the diamonds in the rough are rare and of varying carats, clarity, and cut.

Be careful...good luck

[Velvet Elvis]

I think love just happens, you can't really plan it.

It's a bit like planting a garden.

You can't force a flower to bloom on command, you can only give it the right place to grow.

It will happen when it is supposed to happen.

You're right it can't be forced but I can put myself in situations that make finding it more likely.

[Velvet Elvis]

I feel for you.

My husband and I are soul mates.  
We met when we were kids and were friends through high school.
Started dating in our midtwenties.
Known each other for 55 years.
Married for over 35 years.
We agreed that if there is reincarnation that we would get married again.
We asked each other to get married in the next life, if there is one.
We agreed that when we die we will wait for the other so we can  move 
on together.  Don't know if that's possible, but we agreed to try.
We even agreed on a meeting point if we 'get lost' and can't find each other.
(our living room).   
My husband has had cancer recently and it's a highly recurring kind - bladder cancer.
He also has Parkinsons and has cognitive issues now.   So I figure he'll probably 
die first.   I'm not looking forward to that at all.   I can't imagine being here 
without him.   For me I'd just be existing, not living.  
So I feel for you .... I hope the best for you.

Flyers Fan,

First off let me congratulate you for creating an amazingly stable and loving relationship with your partner. Most people never have that kind of lasting connection and it's truly something to be admired. 

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through this.  My best advice (not that you asked for it) is to treat every day like a blessing and cherish every moment together.  There are moments I remember with my husband that I never thought particularly significant while they were happening, but I would give anything just to go back and relive them. 

I know you know this just based on what you have already shared.  I will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the best for you as well.

[Velvet Elvis]

I read your post 3 times, taking a couple minutes in between to think and my opinion, fwiw, is that you may be lonely, but you're not ready to date.

Your post has guilt and self recrimination all over it and your first date would be a disaster. You'd be thinking "I shouldn't be here" and you would feel like you were cheating.

Please keep in mind, You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong. It's just you beating yourself up because you're Human and have emotions.

I'm 61 and my Wife is 10 years younger, so I expect to go first and it is my hope that she finds love again. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life alone and I would bet your husband felt the same.

There are no set rules for grieving. Take your time.

I suspect no matter how long I wait the first date I go on will be a disaster.  Sort of like the first pancake never comes out right. :) I may need some trial runs to knock the dust off.  LOL

[Velvet Elvis]

My sister lost her husband when she was in her late 40s. She is a workaholic, puts her energy there, and her work and friend circle. It's like she has said, she would prefer to date/ have relationships within that sphere, but that has its pitfalls too.

 I’m very sorry for your sister’s loss.
 
I can really relate to what you’re describing. In my case, right before the accident I had actually stepped down from a board position so I could spend more time with my husband. His elderly dog had just passed, and we were making plans to travel more together.  We were even set to leave on a birthday cruise less than a week after the accident.
 
If I hadn’t already resigned, I know I would have buried myself in work the way your sister has. In some ways I still do.  Over the past few months, I’ve been pouring most of my time and attention into an animated series I’m working on. It’s been grounding and absorbing, but it’s also a reminder that work can only fill so much space.
 
I think we all find different ways to survive this kind of loss, each with their own trade-offs.

[argentus]

I suspect no matter how long I wait the first date I go on will be a disaster.  Sort of like the first pancake never comes out right. :) I may need some trial runs to knock the dust off.  LOL

I have read your thread several times.   I didn't know what to say to you Velvet Elvis, and still don't, but feel a need to tell you that I put myself empathetically in your place and I don't know how I would function.  As others have said, I know that my Darlin' would want me to love again if I could.  My belief system is such that I think the spirit of people exists beyond their body. 

Nights are probably the worst, and those surprise moments that remind you of the little things that made it all work.  

Much respect for you pushing on.   I just can't truly imagine.   My Darlin'  has made me promise that she can go first.   Not sure how that will/can work out.  

I think you might make an art form of disasterous first dates, until that one, and you might not even see them at first.   Maybe they will be the person that is hosting.   You and your husband probably considered yourselves to have been in training for each other, awaiting the time that you met.    I would bet that you two didn't immediately click, that the chemistry had to simmer a bit.   Consider that Mr. Elvis might try to nudge you here and there.   

I wish you peace and joy on your new, bright journey.

[Velvet Elvis]

Nights are probably the worst, and those surprise moments that remind you of the little things that made it all work.  


I would bet that you two didn't immediately click, that the chemistry had to simmer a bit.   Consider that Mr. Elvis might try to nudge you here and there.   

Those surprise moments really do sneak up on you.  I had one just a couple days ago. 

Our first date is a funny story.  We agreed to meet at a whiskey bar downtown.  We walked in and sat at a table, and he asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told him whiskey on the rocks. He went away and came back with an absurd blue tropical drink.  I immediately sent him back to the bar to get me a real drink.  He always said he knew at that moment that I was the right one. LOL

[argentus]

Those surprise moments really do sneak up on you.  I had one just a couple days ago. 

Our first date is a funny story.  We agreed to meet at a whiskey bar downtown.  We walked in and sat at a table, and he asked me what I wanted to drink.  I told him whiskey on the rocks. He went away and came back with an absurd blue tropical drink.  I immediately sent him back to the bar to get me a real drink.  He always said he knew at that moment that I was the right one. LOL

That is a sweet and funny story.   Fond memories to be cherished.   

My grandmother had a saying that might measure here....  although I hesitate to tell you for fear that it might resonate as judgement.   You should know that I don't believe judgement belongs to me.   Regarding memories, my Grandma would look wistfully at the sea -- I suppose thinking of her husband who'd been a ship captain -- and she'd say, "look backward fondly, but don't stare."   I think it was her way of encouraging living in the present.