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*argentus* · This post was last modified: 07-17-2025, 08:35 PM by argentus.

Okay, I'm really done in with these fuckin' things. They work fine for a couple of years, and then then fail with "printer offline". What do you have to do to fix this condition? Turn it off and turn it back on. Turn off the printer, AND unplug it. No telling why this makes a difference, but it does. Turn off your computer. Unplug your router. Wait at least 30 seconds. Plug things back in in this order: Router, Computer, Printer. Sometimes it will be back [vulgar expletive] online. Often times not.

So that didn't work today. I had to print our phone bills, because they are due today. Well, that didn't happen. I resorted to threats. I said within earshot of the printer, "well, if this Goddamn piece of shit won't work anymore, then maybe we better get rid of it, and buy something better." Didn't work. It was not afraid.

I really, REALLY needed to print my Mom's phone bill; Her [really vile expletive ending in ing] printer -- an HP -- has the same problem, but all our works.... updating the drivers, HP smart do-diddling, ALL the suggestions on HP, no dice. Mom's printer is six months old and dead in the water.

Out of desperation, I stroked the printer gently. I said, "I'm sorry what I said before. You've always served us both for years and years. I'm sorry I was a shit. Please, dear, sweet, printer, please print my Mom's phone bill. I will shine you up like you've never been shined if you do this one thing."

And it worked. It printed the sonofabitchen thing. I don't want the printer to know, but I'm actively shopping for a different printer that is not a fuckin' HP. The printer probably already knows, since it is viewing this post. I blame Google, which has entrenched itself in all of our systems.

Savor the flavor printer. You're soon to be catapulted into the dump. With prejudice. However, as promised, I will shine you first, as you've never been shined before.

SomeStupidName · 07-17-2025, 08:39 PM

You could upgrade to online bill pay or autopay and not have to buy a new printer.....

*argentus* · 07-17-2025, 08:43 PM

(07-17-2025, 08:39 PM)SomeStupidName Wrote: You could upgrade to online bill pay or autopay and not have to buy a new printer.....

We live in a backwoods country, that is only just dipping its collective toe into online payments. Believe me, I'm all in for that. Still, there is stuff I have to print. All the time. I make an online payment, and I want to print the cyber receipt. For my files. Because I'm old. That's what we do. We file stuff. We like to hold proof of payment in our shriveled hands. I will be 70 in three years. How the hell did this happen. I shouldn't have to be struggling with a sonofabitchen printer. Saint2

*Quantum12* · 07-17-2025, 09:05 PM

@argentus

This is the funniest rant EVER! The way you wrote it. I am going to read it again! If you want a dot matrix printer let me know!
[Image: IMG_1892.jpeg]

*argentus* · 07-17-2025, 09:10 PM

Thank you! I won't be able to find one here, so I'll have to order one from [super nasty expletive] Amazon, the bastion of all things vulgar. Amazon, who has admitted that they have an open arrangement with the CIA. PERfect. Still, if we want something that is delivered within a month, it will be through Amazon. For what it is worth, I really, really like the penis-shaped rocket.

Thank you TSK. I will acquire two Lexmark printers. My Mom will thank you also.

*argentus* · 07-17-2025, 09:14 PM

(07-17-2025, 09:05 PM)Quantum12 Wrote: @argentus

This is the funniest rant EVER! The way you wrote it. I am going to read it again! If you want a dot matrix printer let me know!
[Image: https://denyignorance.com/uploader/images/IMG_1892.jpeg]

Dot matrix! I remember that!! I will trade you that for a Kaypro luggable computer. The damn thing won't work with modern systems, but it was a champ in its time.

*Quantum12* · 07-17-2025, 09:22 PM

(07-17-2025, 09:14 PM)argentus Wrote: Dot matrix! I remember that!! I will trade you that for a Kaypro luggable computer. The damn thing won't work with modern systems, but it was a champ in its time.

Wait, I’ll take it unless that is what you are using now! Smilegrin

*argentus* · 07-17-2025, 09:51 PM

(07-17-2025, 09:22 PM)Quantum12 Wrote: Wait, I’ll take it unless that is what you are using now!
[Image: https://denyignorance.com/uploader/images/IMG_1894.jpeg]

It's not what I'm using now, but that is exactly what the mo' fo' looks like! I also have an actual typewriter in my shed. It should be in a museum, along with the Kaypro. My buddy and me took typing in junior high school. It was just us and a whole classroom of girls. We thought it would be productive. It sorta was. My buddy didn't take the second year, but I did. I can type like a bastard. Probably still can do 70 WPM or more, unless........ ummm, there are numbers involved. Wow

DontTreadOnMe · 07-17-2025, 10:36 PM

(07-17-2025, 08:33 PM)argentus Wrote: Okay, I'm really done in with these fuckin' things. They work fine for a couple of years, and then then fail with "printer offline". What do you have to do to fix this condition? Turn it off and turn it back on. Turn off the printer, AND unplug it. No telling why this makes a difference, but it does. Turn off your computer. Unplug your router. Wait at least 30 seconds. Plug things back in in this order: Router, Computer, Printer. Sometimes it will be back [vulgar expletive] online. Often times not.

Unless your options are limited, I suggest Epson.
I curse it now and then.
But I've never had to threaten to throw it out the window.

DontTreadOnMe · 07-17-2025, 10:38 PM

(07-17-2025, 09:05 PM)Quantum12 Wrote: @argentus

This is the funniest rant EVER! The way you wrote it. I am going to read it again! If you want a dot matrix printer let me know!
[Image: https://denyignorance.com/uploader/images/IMG_1892.jpeg]

Oh! How I despised those things.
So temperamental. Noisy. Often hard to read. And pulling off those edges with the holes.