I refuse to let go of my grief

[Maxmars]

She is gone today a year...

When she died so did "I."

I feared today... questioning how one more day without her might somehow be worse, or less so, after a full year had passed.

Today, I woke and was visited by a beautiful cardinal, flittering like a shining ruby and landing close enough to make my spirit jump.

Cardinals were a type of bird she always was grateful to see... along with hawks and eagles.  I always joked that she was the eagle, I was the hawk...

But cardinals were like the 'special' bird she was always happy to point out...

Seeing it made me think of her... and made me think "I love you."  I said it out loud.

I'm trying to stand... but without her it's more of a balancing act... like standing on one leg.

I expected the possibility that I could end up crippled today... but I'm not.  For some reason that makes me sad.

I need her back.  I miss her in my life, watching my general insanity, it pleased me to amuse her so... her smile was my soul food and I am hungry.

I'll stop now... I'll hold my breath until I can be with her again...  if I could ever be so lucky...

I wasn't done loving her. 

So much to make up for, so much to appreciate, so sorry for her pain.

A better man could have saved her...