I refuse to let go of my grief

[Maxmars]

I am truly truly sorry for your loss. I want to thank you for sharing all of this with us. To bear witness to all thst you speak of is why we’re all here on this earth. To be there for one another. Even if it’s just a shoulder to lean on for the moment. Huge hugs to you ❤️.

Thank you so much, for taking a moment in time to make my sharing matter.  It really helps to not feel alone.

Your kindness will always be appreciated.

---

I find myself overwhelmed with the realization that there actually are other human beings in the world with me... not just "other people."
Thank you all sincerely for your kindness and well-wishes.  

It's kind of amazing, really... I really needed a better "place" to be... and so it was made.... by you.

And to everyone who listened... Thank you immensely.  
I will stand.

[argentus]

Maxmars, who is encouraging you to "let go of your grief"?   You not only shouldn't, but I don't think that you can.   When you share your life with a person and they are taken from you, a major part of you goes with them -- as you know.   You have more sand than most people can imagine.    I think you are in process of becoming.   That person who you were, well, he cannot sustain himself, and I suspect a whispered promise holds you.    

I have been in a similar place in the distant past.   It's not something you get over, and don't allow anyone to tell you so.  You gradually adapt, and brick-by-brick discover who you will become.   I'm so sorry for your great loss, man.   Sorry for the part of yourself which was ripped from you.   You are a real hero.   There is little that I wouldn't do to help you feel better, if it is within my power.   Please don't deny yourself your grief.   It is yours.   You have to process it, and use it, and wash in it until you emerge clean.

[Maxmars]

She is gone today a year...

When she died so did "I."

I feared today... questioning how one more day without her might somehow be worse, or less so, after a full year had passed.

Today, I woke and was visited by a beautiful cardinal, flittering like a shining ruby and landing close enough to make my spirit jump.

Cardinals were a type of bird she always was grateful to see... along with hawks and eagles.  I always joked that she was the eagle, I was the hawk...

But cardinals were like the 'special' bird she was always happy to point out...

Seeing it made me think of her... and made me think "I love you."  I said it out loud.

I'm trying to stand... but without her it's more of a balancing act... like standing on one leg.

I expected the possibility that I could end up crippled today... but I'm not.  For some reason that makes me sad.

I need her back.  I miss her in my life, watching my general insanity, it pleased me to amuse her so... her smile was my soul food and I am hungry.

I'll stop now... I'll hold my breath until I can be with her again...  if I could ever be so lucky...

I wasn't done loving her. 

So much to make up for, so much to appreciate, so sorry for her pain.

A better man could have saved her...

[UltraBudgie]

Cardinals are a traditional indicator!

There is an old folklore saying that, “When God sends a cardinal, it’s a visitor from heaven.” Because of this saying, some wonder if the appearance of a Red Cardinal in their yard could really mean something special.

Depending on people’s different cultures, backgrounds, or beliefs, they attribute different meanings to the appearance of these lovely birds.

Some consider the red cardinal meaning that their loved one is near in spirit, like a spiritual messenger of sorts. Others see cardinals as symbols of hope in tough times. There is even a common belief that they bring good fortune.

While there are many different interpretations of what their presence may mean, the fact that cardinals carry significant symbolic value is certain.

https://www.usurnsonline.com/memorials/c...or-heaven/

I saw one after my wife died, too.

A better man could have saved her...

I suspect you did.