Women don't like nice guys

[SomeStupidName]

I'm 40 years old and have never had a girlfriend, been in a relationship or even had a friend who was female save for an elderly female relative. Women have either always ignored me or construed me as a competitor rather than a lover but they seem to be enamoured with men who I can only describe as "thugs" and "bad boys". Now I don't hate women for this as there are obviously evolutionary adaptations why women gravitate toward the most confident, successful and sometimes aggressive males (protection, resources etc.) at the expense of socially awkward men such as myself. However I do object to young women mocking me slyly while they give pleasure to "bad boys". It's as if women can tell I'm genetically unfit to reproduce and I find this upsetting.

Sufficient confidence is probably all you really lack, you could also be trying to hit a home run when really you need to start with just making contact with the ball first. Best advice I can give you make it a goal to approach at least 5 to 10 random people who you have never met in a day/week start small with hello's work into chit chat. After you are conformable with that and yourself you can advance to no pressure invites to some random events if they are interested in slightest they'll agree to one but don't get upset or burn a bridge if they decline. Never set the goal expectation as trying to find a relationship or Mr toads wild ride, look at it more as you want to meet interesting people and do interesting things and see where it leads.

[DBCowboy]

Sufficient confidence is probably all you really lack, you could also be trying to hit a home run when really you need to start with just making contact with the ball first. Best advice I can give you make it a goal to approach at least 5 to 10 random people who you have never met in a day/week start small with hello's work into chit chat. After you are conformable with that and yourself you can advance to no pressure invites to some random events if they are interested in slightest they'll agree to one but don't get upset or burn a bridge if they decline. Never set the goal expectation as trying to find a relationship or Mr toads wild ride, look at it more as you want to meet interesting people and do interesting things and see where it leads.

Yeah, I met my wife when I wasn't looking.  And that was over 30 years ago.

[ElitePlebeian]

Sufficient confidence is probably all you really lack, you could also be trying to hit a home run when really you need to start with just making contact with the ball first. Best advice I can give you make it a goal to approach at least 5 to 10 random people who you have never met in a day/week start small with hello's work into chit chat. After you are conformable with that and yourself you can advance to no pressure invites to some random events if they are interested in slightest they'll agree to one but don't get upset or burn a bridge if they decline. Never set the goal expectation as trying to find a relationship or Mr toads wild ride, look at it more as you want to meet interesting people and do interesting things and see where it leads.

This and that doesnt mean you have to move mountains and be apex super chad or whatever. 

Im always nervous with dates and there are plenty women who understand that and are willing to look past that. Sometimes theyre nervous themselves too ofcourse.

[IdeomotorPrisoner]

If you want an honest real relationship, then don't lie.

It's that simple.

You can lie about your confidence.  You might actually give yourself some.  

I didn't mean "be the alpha male bad boy" I meant carry yourself like you are one. Even if you have to force yourself to believe that is you. 

There's certain body language accompanying weak socializing that kinda compound each other.  If you carry a fatalist belief your ideomotor reflexes (such as posture) close off and project that same thing you're saying, and it almost always eliminates you.

And being direct about what you think is fine, or even why you fail, if you do it confidently.  You can even wax how inept you are if you can make your self-deprecation engaging for others. You gotta make them want to hear about your comedy of dating futility. 

The guy that is closed off and awkward clears the area around him for a reason.  it's like a "You dont want to talk to me" signal.

I read the OP and it seems like a confidence/body language problem. A self-sabotage even.  "Attractive" and "involuntarily celebate fatalism," are antithetical to one another.

[Stealth Blimp]

The problem is women are conditioned to only interact with confident and socially accepted men. Only bad boys can override these social cues otherwise women will only ever acknowledge quiet guys if they are accepted by other men in their surroundings.

[ANNEE]

I read the OP and it seems like a confidence/body language problem. A self-sabotage even.  "Attractive" and "involuntarily celebrate fatalism," are antithetical to one another.

Any time you blame the other person.

You need to look at yourself.

[imitator]

I am a guy, and that bad boy thing is real, some women are attracted to it strongly.  It is exciting for them or something, don't know how it works, but I was friends with many girls and women in my life, and saw it happen a lot.  I am a guy, and I was more of a nice guy, but was also attracted to the bad girls...the exciting ones when I was young.  I am glad I outgrew that before I was twenty eight.  So it is not only girls that are effected by this. 

the majority of women are not attracted to the bad boys though, I would say maybe twenty five percent and they eventually outgrow that....but sometimes are stuck in a marriage with them with kids.  Guys that have high testosterone can be more control freaks too, and can be more violent...but not all guys with high testosterone are like that, some are just overpowering but fair and reliable...but usually show dominance like an alpha male.  If the boy is brought up properly the higher testosterone can be beneficial and it has more of a protective instinct trait than a violent trait...which means don't mess with their family or you may regret it.

Trying to put what I have observed in my life is hard to put into words in something like this. 

But remember, only twenty five percent of women are like that, so that means seventy five percent want a good person to spend their lives with or in some cases, they are all right on their own, they do not need another to feel whole and content.

All I said was the whole bad boy thing is exaggerated. Women aren’t out here hunting thugs… half the time they’re just prowling the aisles of Home Depot looking for a dude who knows the difference between a wrench and a socket set. LOL
Real simple stuff.

So 25% of women go for the bad boys, huh? Damn… you’ve mentioned the excitement, the testosterone, the dominance, the upbringing... basically a whole Discovery Channel episode going on there.

And the more I read your post, the more I’m like…
Hold on… why does this sound like you’re describing me in the third person? 

[rickymouse]

 Alright, let me put it the way I’d tell one of the guys I’ve worked with for years.
 
I’ve seen a lot of men convince themselves that women only want the loud, flashy types, especially in tech where half the guys barely look up from their screens. The thing is, women aren’t chasing troublemakers. We’re drawn to men who stand like they belong in their own skin. When a man walks around already believing he’s not good enough, it shows. You can feel it before he ever opens his mouth.
 
I’ve watched guys sabotage themselves because they kept thinking, “She’ll never want me,” and then acted like that was already true. That’s what pushes women away, not who they are underneath. And honestly, the men who finally figure it out didn’t wake up one day with swagger. They just stopped treating themselves like they were broken and started taking pride in their own lives. Confidence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you build by actually living.
 
You’re not being rejected as a man. You’re being overlooked because you keep hiding the part of you that’s worth seeing. Trust me, there’s nothing wrong with starting late. I’ve known plenty of guys who didn’t get it together until their forties or fifties, and once they did, everything changed for them.
 
You’re forty, not finished. You can still get the life you want. You just have to start showing up as the man you actually are instead of the one you’re afraid you might be.

I didn't get it together till I hit fifty.  I always felt I had to please my wife, do what she wanted to do.  Then one day, we had an argument...which we never did because I would give in to her all the time.  Well, that showing of my feelings helped our relationship.  We were living day to day with our income, and when I put my foot down and told her we cannot keep getting loans for things we did not need, including credit card purchases, I thought she would leave.  Instead, she went the other way and started budgeting well and soon all of our debt was gone.  At the rate we were going before that we would still owe a lot of money, but we have been debt free for over ten years, except for a car loan which we put money down on when we bought it and paid the six year loan off in three years.....We also started getting serious about prepping, creating a food pantry which we created to save money, mainly not to prep for a disaster.  It enables us to buy all the things we usually use in making foods that we like to eat, mostly healthy foods, and we hardly go out to restaurants anymore, since I started doing most of the cooking from scratch now, our foods are better tasting and healthier than most restaurants around here.  Since we are both retired, and we are focusing on our needs instead of our wants, we have extra left off of our social security checks and some dividends and her small pension check....actually enough to buy a car on credit each month if we need to.

So an argument made our life better, she was stuck trying to keep up with the Jones's and did not comprehend we did not need to be buying things we did not really need.  I was brought up different than her, but I never spoke up.   Maybe she was insecure too, she wanted to please me by showing off that we were doing well.  She thought my friends should think I was successful when in reality, I did not want to appear to be superior to my friends.  lack of communication in a marriage can cause problems. 

Plus, from that argument, we both found that my telling a little white lie about liking something she made made her make it often.  If I would have told her I really did not care for it, we both wouldn't have been eating something neither of us really liked.  Because I detest wasting food...disrespecting the life that was taken so we could eat by not eating it, she believed I really liked it.  I never told her that I hated to waste food because even a green bean can produce another plant...that is an example...not an obsession...just think of how a cow would feel if you threw out part of it which meant it's life was wasted.

So honesty worked for me and her, but I know some people who would have gotten a divorce over an argument like that.  We ate out in restaurants a lot because....we both did not like what was being cooked at home so much, in a restaurant we could order what we wanted and it was not what we made at home.

I remember my mother and stepfather having little arguments and thought it was a bad thing.  Same with her father and mother.  I guess they had figured this out, because the arguments were always about doing things to please others, actually to make themselves look better to others.  My brother and I would always go to see my inlaws and my parents and help them save money by fixing what they needed fixed so they did not have to hire someone.  They were more happy that we were there to help them than they were to get the things fixed.  They could afford to pay for the repairs, but my brother and I liked helping, not for personal gain, just to help out.  I did feel better doing that, I cannot say I did not get personal gain.  Our parents are gone years ago, now I go to help the kids and grandkids but I cannot do it so much anymore because I am seventy already.  We do babysit and get the great grandkids on the bus and off the bus to school, the granddaughter is dead, so we are trying to help her ex take care of their kids.  I am doing it for my granddaughter, to try to help her kids after she took her own life after she died.  Not for her husband, even though he is a real nice guy.  I work on the kids and grandkids cars too, mostly now showing them what to do.  I also help with remodeling, but I cannot do everything anymore, but I can do some things and I do still have the knowledge and all the tools.

I am doing it to help them, not for recognition and my wife and I are both good with this, before the argument it would have been a different issue, before my granddaughter took her own life...it also would not be something we were in total agreement with.  I was really surprised when I got in the accident and got disabled that my wife would stay with me but she did.  I did not think I was worthy and it opened my eyes, how many people get divorced because they do not think they are worthy of their spouse because the times get rough, because they went into debt to try to look better to others.

Ok, enough from someone who is seventy and probably going to have dementia in five more years and won't be capable of sharing this with anyone after that happens.  Better to say it when I still have a brain....well, an epileptic brain...but still a brain.

[ReturnofBroccoli]

Your problem is how you view yourself, if you change that one thing, the rest will fall into place.
you need some self-esteem

[IdeomotorPrisoner]

The problem is women are conditioned to only interact with confident and socially accepted men. Only bad boys can override these social cues otherwise women will only ever acknowledge quiet guys if they are accepted by other men in their surroundings.

Well now you're just using absolutes and copouts to write yourself off entirely...

So I guess my absolute conditioned response will now write you off as a psychological trainwreck that uses fatalist devices while seeking advice or sympathy for your plight simultaneously. 

Good luck in this thread, everyone else...