Trying to move beyond the grief.

[Velvet Elvis]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

[andy06shake]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

So sorry for your loss.

The grief won't ever go away, time will simply make it bearable after a while. 

My advice, go meet someone in the real world and leave the expensive dating apps alone. 

I'm sure your late husband would wish you to be happy. 

[LightAngel]

I think love just happens, you can't really plan it.

It's a bit like planting a garden.

You can't force a flower to bloom on command, you can only give it the right place to grow.

It will happen when it is supposed to happen.

[FlyersFan]

I feel for you.

My husband and I are soul mates.  
We met when we were kids and were friends through high school.
Started dating in our midtwenties.
Known each other for 55 years.
Married for over 35 years.
We agreed that if there is reincarnation that we would get married again.
We asked each other to get married in the next life, if there is one.
We agreed that when we die we will wait for the other so we can  move 
on together.  Don't know if that's possible, but we agreed to try.
We even agreed on a meeting point if we 'get lost' and can't find each other.
(our living room).   
My husband has had cancer recently and it's a highly recurring kind - bladder cancer.
He also has Parkinsons and has cognitive issues now.   So I figure he'll probably 
die first.   I'm not looking forward to that at all.   I can't imagine being here 
without him.   For me I'd just be existing, not living.  
So I feel for you .... I hope the best for you.

[ReturnofBroccoli]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

If you're lonely I suggest a dog. When it comes to people, the holes someone leaves in your life are unfillable, ive tried filling it with people before and it only leads to more unfillable holes. There's only one that can fit the hole, per hole. Your strength in this is unfathomable, if only that healed it. It doesnt go away it just gets further a part and you learn techniques to overcome so you can function somewhat normally. You need to learn to redirect your focus and become aware of the steps that lead to you feeling overwhelmed. I suggest associating it with an action, something that gives your brain pause allowing you enough time to escape your own mind. After doing it enough times, your mind will learn to refocus without the action.

[Velvet Elvis]

So sorry for your loss.

The grief won't ever go away, time will simply make it bearable after a while. 

My advice, go meet someone in the real world and leave the expensive dating apps alone. 

I'm sure your late husband would wish you to be happy. 

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sure he would want me to be happy too. 

I agree in principle about meeting people in the real world. What I’ve found challenging is that it feels much harder to do organically now. I do get out. I got to networking and social events, but it’s like no one is really in that mode anymore unless it’s already been clearly signaled that someone is looking.
It's like there's this unspoken caution. People don’t want to misread, intrude, or make anyone uncomfortable, so most interactions stay safely neutral. Which makes sense, but it also means those spontaneous, human moments where something could develop feel a lot rarer than they used to.
That’s part of why the apps feel so dominant, even when they’re frustrating. They at least make intent explicit. But I do miss the slower, more ambiguous way connections used to form.

[David64]

I read your post 3 times, taking a couple minutes in between to think and my opinion, fwiw, is that you may be lonely, but you're not ready to date.

Your post has guilt and self recrimination all over it and your first date would be a disaster. You'd be thinking "I shouldn't be here" and you would feel like you were cheating.

Please keep in mind, You Are Not Doing Anything Wrong. It's just you beating yourself up because you're Human and have emotions.

I'm 61 and my Wife is 10 years younger, so I expect to go first and it is my hope that she finds love again. I don't want her to spend the rest of her life alone and I would bet your husband felt the same.

There are no set rules for grieving. Take your time.

[andy06shake]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm sure he would want me to be happy too. 

I agree in principle about meeting people in the real world. What I’ve found challenging is that it feels much harder to do organically now. I do get out. I got to networking and social events, but it’s like no one is really in that mode anymore unless it’s already been clearly signaled that someone is looking.
It's like there's this unspoken caution. People don’t want to misread, intrude, or make anyone uncomfortable, so most interactions stay safely neutral. Which makes sense, but it also means those spontaneous, human moments where something could develop feel a lot rarer than they used to.
That’s part of why the apps feel so dominant, even when they’re frustrating. They at least make intent explicit. But I do miss the slower, more ambiguous way connections used to form.

That makes a lot of sense.

You're not imagining it, people are more cautious in this day of age, after all, well....the world. 

And it's frustrating to want something organic but keep running into obstacles.

I think it says a lot that you're still showing up.

Don't lose faith.

Because it sounds like you deserve a connection that feels human and real.

Im sure the correct person will materialise when the time is right. 

How does the lyric go?

"You can't always get what you want.

But if you try, sometimes.

Well, you might find. 

You get what you need."

All the best Velvet Elvis. 

[xpert11]

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

The saying "time heals all wounds" is a bit misleading. I mention that because you are not struck, but not yet ready to move on from your husband. In a sense, you are heading in the right direction in awful circumstances. 

Lastly, I am deeply sorry for your loss.

[LightAngel]

I'm sure he would want me to be happy too. 

Yes, but this is still painful, but at least you know that we care and that will hopeful light your way a bit.

This might be a bit off topic for you, but I do not think we ever die - we just change form.

Most of us have lost someone we love deeply (because they died or because of other things) - but, we will meet them again when the "time" is right.

But, I guess this should be shared in another topic.

Best wishes.