The Art of Asking: Why do We Minimize the Help We Need?

[eriathwen]

The thing is, we all process information through the lens of how it affects us, and those we care about.   I think there are likely a response or two that weren't in line with what you wanted, but when you ask questions, sometimes people will focus upon that which  resonates with them.   This is a discussion.   No reason to feel slighted or misunderstood, imo.   I urge you to let your thread flow, and perhaps you and me and all of us will learn something which we didn't anticipate.   

Cheers

Nah—shut it down, you can find me on Medium- https://medium.com/@monicaaakvik if you’re still curious about my points, that allows your own pace and terms and you can dodge as much as you like ;) I’m here to grow not tutoring.

[Anna]

OK, I QUIT! You all clearly lack the bandwidth to get this—case closed. I wanted to talk why we dodge truth, not babysit a dog or outwit a neighbor. Moderators, lock it up—I’m off to paint with my pup and chat with folks who read past the first line. Thanks for the laughs, though—I’m cracking up too hard to stay. ‘Deny Ignorance,’ yet stuck on a dog? Priceless. :) But it was fun while it lasted, and well worth the try...

Oh that air of intellectual superiority as a copout.

I will try once again. Maybe if I don't mention your neighbors, my point will somehow get through to you.

Society is comprised of individuals. If individuals value and reward honesty on one hand and punish dishonesty on the other hand, honesty thrives. If dishonesty is not punished, it will thrive because dishonest people will secure more favors than honest ones by simply outwitting their fellow human beings. If people can get away with a lie, they will lie more.

If I know that I will get help only if I'm honest, lying will be an unnecessary risk for me. But if I get help anyway even if I lie, then I will have no motivation to tell the truth. It applies to small communities and big ones, like nations. Take the nations where corruption thrives. Those are the nations which do not punish corruption and let the people who are engaged in the procedure achieve financial success and social prestige. Dishonesty there is so pervading that even honest people are dragged into the corrupted system.

Is this destructive for the society? There are plenty of corrupted societies functioning and the destructive effect is felt mostly by those who do not fit there, those who stand out. In the society of liars, an honest person is done.

This is why it's so important to set boundaries and not only reward loyalty and honesty but also punish disloyalty and dishonesty. By the way, your link doesn't work.

[UltraBudgie]

Is this destructive for the society? There are plenty of corrupted societies functioning and the destructive effect is felt mostly by those who do not fit there, those who stand out. In the society of liars, an honest person is done.

plenty of philosophical analogies for that. the prisoner dilemna. crabs in a bucket. etc.

maybe also lack of shared values?

"you're not lying if what you're doing is actually making them lie to themselves about you."

death of objective virtue?

to the title question "why do we minimize the help we need?", because we live in a society where every time you show that you "need" help some damn ultra-evolved exploitation mechanism perks up ready to meet that need, in the interest of "serving" you? providing only enough to maximize extraction of value. shearing the sheep. and we're so trained to expect that to happen, at a commercial level, with no common guidestone to agree that kind of shit isn't just peachy, that we start to expect others to treat us that way interpersonally, and preemptively protect ourselves by downplaying. needs are vulnerabilities, in a low-trust society.

[argentus]

Nah—shut it down, you can find me on Medium- https://medium.com/@monicaaakvik if you’re still curious about my points, that allows your own pace and terms and you can dodge as much as you like ;) I’m here to grow not tutoring.

I cannot action a thread in which I am a participant.    If you are determined to close your thread, you can report yourself and ask staff to close it.    Or, you could choose to not participate, and in that way, those who wish to still discuss it can continue.

[eriathwen]

I cannot action a thread in which I am a participant.    If you are determined to close your thread, you can report yourself and ask staff to close it.    Or, you could choose to not participate, and in that way, those who wish to still discuss it can continue.

"Or, you could choose to not participate, and in that way, those who wish to still discuss it can continue." This will be fine :)

[eriathwen]

Hi guys, I want to add a follow-up, because you were so hung up on dog sitting and neighbors. I had a chat with my neighbor about this today, I checked with my dentist appointment and it doesn't conflict with any possible dog sitting, but my dog ​​and cat still do. So here's a follow-up to the story: a follow-up just because 

The Neighbor’s Dodge: Why We Mask the Truth
I’m no expert, just a gal with a helmet who watches. Recently, my neighbors asked me to watch their dog for “a couple of hours.” Sounded simple—until I unraveled the thread. Two-hour drive to Sweden, a shopping haul (not five minutes), another two hours back—more like all day. Their daughter even suggested I drag the dog to my dentist appointment. Dogs aren’t allowed inside, but he’d handle my car—so I knew their “solution” was a dodge.

I nudged them: “Why not drive two cars? Park one before the border—vaccines and deworming let the dog stay put while you shop.” Her reply? “Is it that far?”—as if she’d never checked. She got grumpy when I got my point across, but that’s the tell. We minimize to avoid burden, fear rejection, or shift the load. It’s not just them—society does it too, from weather hype to silenced questions.
Why? Maybe it’s habit, baked by a world where vulnerability’s a weakness. Their lie stressed my dog, kept my cat out—honesty would’ve spared us. I’ve dodged too, slipped into “it’s fine” when it wasn’t. But if we can’t face small truths, how do big ones stand? I believe in people—cracks show. A neighbor shared potatoes once; roots grew strong.

So, I paint with my pup, helmet on, nudging where I can. Next time, I’ll ask straight: “All day or not?” Trust the answer. It’s hard—takes guts to drop the mask. But a small hill, like this talk, can overturn their load. Will you nudge too?


Moral: Masking truth breeds mess—stand, ask, and watch it bloom.

[Sirius]

Where did you learn to type like this eriathwen? Are you using allot of AI, in general.  Just curious, the thread is off the rails already apparently.

[midicon]

Hi guys, I want to add a follow-up, because you were so hung up on dog sitting and neighbors. I had a chat with my neighbor about this today, I checked with my dentist appointment and it doesn't conflict with any possible dog sitting, but my dog ​​and cat still do. So here's a follow-up to the story: a follow-up just because 

The Neighbor’s Dodge: Why We Mask the Truth
I’m no expert, just a gal with a helmet who watches. Recently, my neighbors asked me to watch their dog for “a couple of hours.” Sounded simple—until I unraveled the thread. Two-hour drive to Sweden, a shopping haul (not five minutes), another two hours back—more like all day. Their daughter even suggested I drag the dog to my dentist appointment. Dogs aren’t allowed inside, but he’d handle my car—so I knew their “solution” was a dodge.

I nudged them: “Why not drive two cars? Park one before the border—vaccines and deworming let the dog stay put while you shop.” Her reply? “Is it that far?”—as if she’d never checked. She got grumpy when I got my point across, but that’s the tell. We minimize to avoid burden, fear rejection, or shift the load. It’s not just them—society does it too, from weather hype to silenced questions.
Why? Maybe it’s habit, baked by a world where vulnerability’s a weakness. Their lie stressed my dog, kept my cat out—honesty would’ve spared us. I’ve dodged too, slipped into “it’s fine” when it wasn’t. But if we can’t face small truths, how do big ones stand? I believe in people—cracks show. A neighbor shared potatoes once; roots grew strong.

So, I paint with my pup, helmet on, nudging where I can. Next time, I’ll ask straight: “All day or not?” Trust the answer. It’s hard—takes guts to drop the mask. But a small hill, like this talk, can overturn their load. Will you nudge too?


Moral: Masking truth breeds mess—stand, ask, and watch it bloom.

I enjoyed this thread Eriathwen! I've been thinking off and on about honesty since your reply to me. Then you got a bit miffed and left! Your last few sentences sort of sum it up. It does take 'guts', not only to drop the mask but to say what must be said in difficult situations. Being honest with oneself might be even more difficult. I can't say. We project so much.

If we are kind we sometimes have to dance around the truth, soften it somehow without lying. It can be easy to hurt someone without thinking.

On a lighter note! Just before Christmas i picked up my grandson from school, he's in the car, looks at me with his large glasses and discerning eyes and says "grandad some of my classmates are saying Santa isn't real, what do you think?" Little things like that make me laugh because I have to be honest lol.
When his mum came home and I told her what he'd said I saw that little flash of fear as she said "what did you say?" That made me laugh too!

[eriathwen]

Where did you learn to type like this eriathwen? Are you using allot of AI, in general.  Just curious, the thread is off the rails already apparently.

Where did you learn do dodge like that, same crap, new skin ;) 


You can not seem to follow my points AI can, the thaughts and replyes are all mine, I just get a little help with the flow and readability to try and reach you in one way or another, It does not help that I have dyslexia on top of It, but that does not keep me from trying to to something to make a change to the problems I'm seeing

[eriathwen]

Where did you learn to type like this eriathwen? Are you using allot of AI, in general.  Just curious, the thread is off the rails already apparently.

This Is the same (my responce) with the AI help ;) just to prove my point : “You can’t follow my points, but AI can. My thoughts and replies are mine—I just get flow help to reach you. Dyslexia’s a challenge, but it won’t stop me from nudging change to the problems I see. ;)”