Chapter one of my new book.

[pianopraze]

All input appreciated.

[Sirius]

John sounds trapped in a liminal place, backwards and forwards in time. Crossroads.

[pianopraze]

John sounds trapped in a liminal place, backwards and forwards in time. Crossroads.

Visions from his dream, and flashback memories, though he does not know it yet.

i think the pacing too slow. He doesn’t get to the fantasy world for a couple chapters. Thinking of combining the first three into one chapter to get him there faster… but the whole book, in reality, is a vehicle for the flashbacks to tell his past story. Was hard to get the pacing just right wrapping the book around his flashbacks.

this is my third attempt at writing it, and by far the best, and this time complete, but still not as good as I like.

how did you find the pacing?

were you drawn in wanting to know more?

or bored wanting the action to pick up?

[Sirius]

Visions from his dream, and flashback memories, though he does not know it yet.

i think the pacing too slow. He doesn’t get to the fantasy world for a couple chapters. Thinking of combining the first three into one chapter to get him there faster… but the whole book, in reality, is a vehicle for the flashbacks to tell his past story. Was hard to get the pacing just right wrapping the book around his flashbacks.

this is my third attempt at writing it, and by far the best, and this time complete, but still not as good as I like.

how did you find the pacing?

were you drawn in wanting to know more?

or bored wanting the action to pick up?

I have gotten some good tips from this dude https://www.youtube.com/@Bookfox

edit: my brain is broken, i just store and analyze the shit out of whatever comes my way

[Encia22]

I finally got around to listening to your story. 

First off, I'm intrigued and want to know more.

The slow pace you described does render staying attentive a possible problem. I'm not used to audio books, so the slowish reading made me a bit impatient. I didn't try to speed up the video; maybe it would have helped.

The other factor that may bog it down is the very detailed descriptions of actions and surroundings. That's not necessarily a bad thing; see any of Thomas Hardy's books. Too much detail becomes a Thesaurus minefield to avoid repetition, and that makes word selection very important. 

Perhaps some things don't need repeating, like the fact that John is a military man and is very precise and methodical. Once you established that early on, then we can assume that that is his approach to everything without having to repeat it.

So, all-in-all, a solid basis for the story, but some pruning of details would surely speed it up.

:beer:

[pianopraze]

I finally got around to listening to your story. 

First off, I'm intrigued and want to know more.

The slow pace you described does render staying attentive a possible problem. I'm not used to audio books, so the slowish reading made me a bit impatient. I didn't try to speed up the video; maybe it would have helped.

The other factor that may bog it down is the very detailed descriptions of actions and surroundings. That's not necessarily a bad thing; see any of Thomas Hardy's books. Too much detail becomes a Thesaurus minefield to avoid repetition, and that makes word selection very important. 

Perhaps some things don't need repeating, like the fact that John is a military man and is very precise and methodical. Once you established that early on, then we can assume that that is his approach to everything without having to repeat it.

So, all-in-all, a solid basis for the story, but some pruning of details would surely speed it up.

:beer:

Much appreciated.

very helpful.

definintely needs pruning and combining. Later the pace picks up and I’m happy with the book, but the first half a dozen chapters have me unhappy.

I need to get the flashbacks in to move the story later, but to do flashback strait into flashback is confusing and makes me even more dissatisfied.

:beer:

[chr0naut]

I stopped listening after the first sentence. The weird phrasing of the narrators voice showed that it wasn't a human reader, but was autogenerated from text.

If you want to engage real people, go with a real human reader who can carry emotion and drama properly. An automaton sounds like one.

... or leave it as text, and let the readers imagination take flight.

I have a lot of things going on, and even as a podcast format, I really want something to immediately engage me, or I'll just move on to something else.

[pianopraze]

I stopped listening after the first sentence. The weird phrasing of the narrators voice showed that it wasn't a human reader, but was autogenerated from text.

If you want to engage real people, go with a real human reader who can carry emotion and drama properly. An automaton sounds like one.

... or leave it as text, and let the readers imagination take flight.

I have a lot of things going on, and even as a podcast format, I really want something to immediately engage me, or I'll just move on to something else.

Fair enough.

However I cannot afford such. I paid 150 bucks for the software to be able to narrate his. What you’re asking for takes a lot of money and a lot of time, and is only good for finished works. I’m looking for critiques on the story and pacing on my rough draft.

I don’t want to just put the writing up for a variety of reason’s including I want to get this professionally edited and published.

if you can give constructive criticism on the content I would appreciate, but please don’t speak ill because you don’t like the tools I’m using. 

this is a rough draft seeking comment on the content, not a finished and published work.

[chr0naut]

Please do not think that I was being critical of the narrative or authorship. I really haven't yet delved into it.

I appreciate and understand that you are honing your story. Perhaps the way the text-to-voice is phrasing things, you might consider alternate punctuation to make the sentence flow more obvious?

Generally, if a human reader took a breath at a particular point in the story, it would indicate that a comma, full stop or other punctuation would ease the narrative flow without intrusiveness in the text?

Also, consider that an inner-voice narrative is more relatable than an anonymous third party to the story. However, if you want to emphasize the 'under-surveillance' unease and liminality, then a third party narrator makes dramatic sense.

Also, an inner-dialog helps to flesh out the character. For instance a lot of 'hanging' self-questions tells volumes about a character (uncertain, insecure, a victim). A monologue of facts says something different (smug, assured, in control, probably an asshole). A dialogue of inner voices says something yet again (conflicted, a follower, even possibly schizoid).

And, often less is more. I love Bradbury's wordiness and imagery, but he is a master, but, for us mere mortals, if you can say things more succinctly, do so.

[chr0naut]

Much appreciated.

very helpful.

definintely needs pruning and combining. Later the pace picks up and I’m happy with the book, but the first half a dozen chapters have me unhappy.

I need to get the flashbacks in to move the story later, but to do flashback strait into flashback is confusing and makes me even more dissatisfied.

:beer:

The hardest part of editing is cutting out stuff you have worked so hard on.

Is it really relevant, or is it just filler?