I refuse to let go of my grief

[argentus]

Maxmars, who is encouraging you to "let go of your grief"?   You not only shouldn't, but I don't think that you can.   When you share your life with a person and they are taken from you, a major part of you goes with them -- as you know.   You have more sand than most people can imagine.    I think you are in process of becoming.   That person who you were, well, he cannot sustain himself, and I suspect a whispered promise holds you.    

I have been in a similar place in the distant past.   It's not something you get over, and don't allow anyone to tell you so.  You gradually adapt, and brick-by-brick discover who you will become.   I'm so sorry for your great loss, man.   Sorry for the part of yourself which was ripped from you.   You are a real hero.   There is little that I wouldn't do to help you feel better, if it is within my power.   Please don't deny yourself your grief.   It is yours.   You have to process it, and use it, and wash in it until you emerge clean.