Trying to move beyond the grief.

[ReturnofBroccoli]

It’s been almost two years since my husband passed, which feels almost inconceivable to say out loud. In many ways it still feels very fresh and raw, like time has moved on faster than my emotions can process.

Lately, I’ve found myself thinking about dating again, and I’m genuinely conflicted. On one hand, I’m lonely. I have friends, I’m active in a large community, and I’m not isolated, but none of that really replaces having a partner. Someone you share the small, everyday moments with. Someone who knows your rhythms, your history, your shorthand.

I met my late husband on Match, so I figured I’d start there. But it doesn’t feel anything like it used to. For starters, it’s become much more expensive. I’m not cheap, but it feels extremely transactional now. Pay extra for this, upgrade for that. Yes, of course I want to see who liked me. What’s the point of paying for a subscription if basic curiosity is still behind a paywall?

Beyond the cost, I’m struggling with how the apps seem to have all shifted toward the Tinder model of swiping left or right. I really don’t like it. What if I’m on the fence? What if I don’t know how I feel yet? Honestly, that’s pretty much where I am with most people right now. I don’t like being forced into making these quick, binary decisions- especially when I’m already feeling emotionally tentative. (Maybe I’m just getting old LOL.)

Then there’s the guilt. There’s guilt in even thinking about moving on, even when the rational part of my brain knows that loving again doesn’t erase what came before. It feels distinctly different than a divorce or a breakup where you know the other person will move on too. His accident was so fast and unexpected. It's hard to think about my happiness when I know he deserved so much better.  We didn’t even get the chance for closure you might have with an illness. I’ve been seeing a grief counselor regularly, but the guilt and sadness is still there no matter what I do. I've been told it never really goes away. 

If any of you have been in this in-between space- where you’re not fully ready but also don’t want to stay closed off forever- I’d really appreciate hearing how you navigated it.

If you're lonely I suggest a dog. When it comes to people, the holes someone leaves in your life are unfillable, ive tried filling it with people before and it only leads to more unfillable holes. There's only one that can fit the hole, per hole. Your strength in this is unfathomable, if only that healed it. It doesnt go away it just gets further a part and you learn techniques to overcome so you can function somewhat normally. You need to learn to redirect your focus and become aware of the steps that lead to you feeling overwhelmed. I suggest associating it with an action, something that gives your brain pause allowing you enough time to escape your own mind. After doing it enough times, your mind will learn to refocus without the action.