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It happened one day - Maxmars - 02-11-2024
He almost stumbled into the little alcove of the emergency room, trying not to 'shine' his deep concern to his wife. She had been very unwell for months, and had announced to him two weeks ago, holding his hand, saying "You know that I'm dying right?" He seemed to have slapped this back into the place in his memories reserved for things said upon which not to dwell. He had argued, feebly, that she should not take for granted thing doctors can't account for. Reiterating his love for her.
That memory refused to be denied and she said to him as he approached, "Oh, I'm ready to go. I just can't do this anymore. I'm too tired." He felt a shattering within him. "I'm so sorry you're feeling so badly," he responded, "but I really need you. I love you." He instantly regretted the adding of a burden to this marvel of a woman; he didn't intend to place in a position to infer that he meant she had to 'suffer through it.'
"I haven't slept all night, I'm just so tired," She apologized, unwittingly contributing to his guilt and recrimination about the last utterance. He held her hand and told her that her oldest daughter and youngest son were waiting to see her, but the ER policies discouraged multiple people in the room. He intended to let her see them, perhaps because of a foreshadowing of what was to come, but he would have denied that possibility vehemently at the time. He actually thought that seeing her children would 'normalize' the moment, in hopes that it would diminish any anxiety that she might be experiencing. But she didn't seem frightened at all. He had seen her frightened... this was not it.
He ran his hands through her tussled hair. She had been thrashing about, and he did what he could to straighten it for her. He though how desperately he loved her, aching to have her healed, her life restored... though the doctors thoroughly quashed that notion in her. He held her face, then kissed her cheek.
"I'll go get one of the kids," he announced, and glanced back at her as he walked out of the little room, "I'll be back after." Those were the last words he ever got to say to her.
Her son went into see her, and her daughter thereafter. He waited impatiently, pacing around a tiny 'waiting room' separated from the common waiting area. When the word came, it was from the daughter, "Mom is having trouble breathing," she said, "they were moving in the crash cart, so I thought you should come."
It couldn't have been more than a minute by the time he reached her room. He was suddenly enveloped in a scene from a nightmare. His wife was lying on her emergency room bed which had been flattened to facilitate CPR. Her eyes were open but evidently unseeing... and her body was flailing impotently against the violence of the CPR thrusts. Again and again, they continued the effort... It was not anything at all like the endless theatrical productions... this was terribly ugly, it hurt his heart to see it.
He heard nearly every word spoken between the medical staff. They noted the tenuous monitor reports of her implanted pacemaker-defibrillator, vainly trying to get her heart to pump, they chattered about intubation... and then amidst all that chaos, someone reported that they were unable to detect any brain activity...
He turned to his daughter, looking at her panicked expression, and noticed the face of his son, standing just behind them... and witnessed the expression on his face... devastation.
He calmly and firmly announced to her, "Let her go."
She echoed him without hesitation... "Let her go."
"Really?" one of the staff asked loudly. "Yes, let her go," she repeated.
The staff expertly ushered us from the room. A fact which he appreciated, knowing that the final twitches and gasps of life can be emotionally damaging to almost anyone untrained or unexperienced, let alone loved ones.
He walked away in a desperate internal struggle to deny that he was feeling the child within him letting out a long moan of grief-stricken sorrow.
RE: It happened one day - argentus - 02-11-2024
I am so sorry my friend. I put myself in your position, and I would be shattered, as I imagine you are. I hope your spirituality allows for some sort of comfort. I think I will undergo something similar in the next few years. I cannot truly know what you are going through, but I want you to know that you are loved and respected. I hope that is enough to sustain you and your children.
You did a beautiful thing, allowing your Darlin' to slip away from you peacefully. That is the most true expression of love that I can imagine.
Much peace my brother
RE: It happened one day - Maxmars - 02-11-2024
Thank you kindly for your condolences.
I have to confess that I wrote this thinking it best to hide that it was a personal experience. But not because of any sense of shame, or deception; but because I thought the account of the experience stands on its own, without the addition of personal grief.
We had been married for 43 years and were looking forward to more anniversaries to come. I can never do justice to the honor and joy she bestowed upon me by loving me. Our four children lost more than just a loving mother, and I lost more than my best friend and wife... but such stories can't simply be shared without great effort. It was meant to be a cathartic exercise, but instead it quickly proved to be more than I could endure for very long.
RE: It happened one day - Kenzo - 02-12-2024
Oh man...
my condolences maxmars . That`s just " end of the World " scale tragedy . I hope you and kids can survive from this .
RE: It happened one day - Maxmars - 02-12-2024
Kenzo,
Thank you. I have to admit, I didn't want this to be a place of well-wishes; as I meant to provide a short story, not a personal account. But it warms my heart that you are inclined to offer words of support. I appreciate it greatly.
We will endure, ... surely diminished, but she wouldn't have had it any other way. She was a mountain of endurance and strength, as well as my inspiration.
MM
RE: It happened one day - Kenzo - 02-12-2024
(02-12-2024, 01:04 AM)Maxmars Wrote: Kenzo,
Thank you. I have to admit, I didn't want this to be a place of well-wishes; as I meant to provide a short story, not a personal account. But it warms my heart that you are inclined to offer words of support. I appreciate it greatly.
We will endure, ... surely diminished, but she wouldn't have had it any other way. She was a mountain of endurance and strength, as well as my inspiration.
MM
I allways think that i dont have much anything wise to say in these situations.....words are not enough , it`s just so big shock .
Yes wishing strength and recovery to you .
Kenzo
RE: It happened one day - Encia22 - 02-12-2024
Dear Maxmars, I’m so sorry for your tragic loss. I can only offer my sincere condolences. I know words alone are not sufficient to heal the wounds which, the more we love, the more they run deep, linger and leave indelible scars. However, sharing your pain raises awareness and a collective meditation that can only help channel positivity to you and your children.
From your first paragraph I felt this was no ordinary story; hoping in my heart that it was only fiction. My fears that it wasn’t made your experience so much more personal and poignant. By reliving those last few heart-breaking hours, you truly brought us into that intimate moment; an experience that may help prepare others face similar situations, now or in the future.
Every day we see the hurt and anger that man inflicts upon man; be it war, crime, vengeance, etc. However, the worst kind of conflict is within our souls. We can’t wage war or call a truce on our emotions, nor condemn and find justice. Our emotions are our worst enemies and it is the cruellest of tortures.
Personally, I fight every day to suppress my fears and loathing for this life. My wife has been sick in one manner or another from day one; small things that accumulate and never let us live in peace and happiness. So, I dread the day I would have to make a decision, like you did, to let go. But love means sacrifice, and I’d rather sacrifice any selfish needs on my part for her to rest in peace. All I wish is for the pain and suffering to end and I await that silver bullet that will put to rest the inner turmoil… welcoming a better world that, I believe in my heart, we are rewarded with and where the ultimate reunion happens, free from suffering.
My thoughts and prayers accompany you and your loved ones, Maxmars; hoping the demons release you from their chains and serenity shines bright in your life.
Forti abbracci,
Enzo
RE: It happened one day - Maxmars - 02-12-2024
E,
I failed to recall the solace words from encouragement might offer. Thank you for reminding me. I miss my more frequent interactions from which I benefitted in the past... elsewhere.
That she is liberated from all our human unnecessary nonsense is one comfort... that she no longer must endure the suffering she was afflicted with is another, in the end she showed me that she was ready to go... And as usual with her, once made up, her mind was a sturdy rudder for her actions... be at peace my love... always be at peace... my heart remains unparted with you.
Bless you, and everyone who sees and feels...
MM
RE: It happened one day - quintessentone - 02-13-2024
(02-12-2024, 01:04 AM)Maxmars Wrote: Kenzo,
Thank you. I have to admit, I didn't want this to be a place of well-wishes; as I meant to provide a short story, not a personal account. But it warms my heart that you are inclined to offer words of support. I appreciate it greatly.
We will endure, ... surely diminished, but she wouldn't have had it any other way. She was a mountain of endurance and strength, as well as my inspiration.
MM
I absolutely thought it was a short story until I started read this post of yours. My sincere condolences for you and your family.
RE: It happened one day - Maxmars - 02-13-2024
Q,
Well, there's that... I'm glad it could have passed as a short story... I spent extra time scanning for accidental occurrences of "I" instead of "he"...
Thanks for your condolences... they are very much appreciated.
MM
