The Inner Voice/Monologue

[UltraBudgie]

It all depends how depraved of a shadow self you have.

How often does that inner voice screw up?

Like consider a girl with a controlling abusive piece of trash of a father. He abuses and intimidates her. What's her self-voice gonna say? Anything to lead to an endless cycle of self-sabotage and replicating abuse? Addiction to being a victim?

It starts off like looking through pristine glass at the world, but from the moment you can process stimuli the glass becomes dirtied by everything being thrown on it, altering your view. Including what your elders teach you, warp you with, and what social concepts (like religion or politics) are put in your head.

It's created by your experience/damage and then projects itself into your conscious like it's some bit of imparted wisdom. In reality it just throws shit all over your world window.

The is reminiscent of the creation of 'alters', which are alternate personality modalities formed by trauma programming. In a way I think that modern society does this to us all. After all, isn't that what middle school is all about? Haha. These personas hide away and pop up as intrusive thoughts, and in a more unconscious way work to modulate motivation, perception, and at times push self-sabotage. A sanskrit term for these trauma-anchors is samskara. One of the daunting things about clearing the mind's chatter is that the samskara float to the surface. But this is an opportunity to face and resolve them it's a complex process but a simple practice.

I like the pristine glass analogy. That's what makes us different. If no one had that we'd all be the same emotionally differentiated only by our sense experience. Life is a process of dirtying the glass and then cleaning it off, this is why lao tzu said the act of becoming is the act of returning, and jesus said that to achieve the kingdom you must become again as a little child. Unwinding the samskara. Patanjali called this roasting the seeds of karma and described a practice for achieving it. Meditation can be like quieting the room so the voices of these imprints can be heard and led to love.

I've had an inner narrative since my first memory, but it's fragmented....one is a Masculine Voice, the other is a Passive Feminine and then there's a silent "Big Sister" of sort watching out over the other two.  These days, I have an enitre Internal Dynamic of a Family Unit, but some are Non-Verbal and others are more "expressive".  One is prefers to communicate through it's own simple version of sign language.  Someone once asked me a long time ago how many of these internal "voices" I had, and I had to confess I honestly didn't know.  It varies from moment to moment, some days certain ones are awake and more vocal, and other days the more mature ones are dominant while the "children" sleep. Usually we work together as a creative unit, but sometimes I also hear external voices who sometimes corrupt things and can cause the children to exprience all sort of negative and painful traumas.  I'm getting better at keeping them safe, but it's still a challege to navigate on a daily basis, especially with outside interference from various sources.

When I was a child I had distinct names for these different aspects and modalities. They grew with me. What I didn't realize at the time was that others were growing with me too. I think there's a point in our lives, perhaps when the corpus callosum fully develops, where the mundane self becomes aware of these previously unconscious personas, and they manifest initially as externalities in our perception. We can then acknowledge them as the shadow of ourselves, as some people call it and work to heal them. They don't want to be healed always! It would be an end to them and they fight it. That's why it is a difficult process of change and growth. I still have some work to do, as I will occasionally get intrusive voicings, usually of hatred that I've refuse to embrace and am still unwinding. It's difficult to love the world and have no regrets, I'm not quite there yet. Until then my little bitter friends make their nest, I try to keep them comfortable. Every time they zap me with cringe it is of course another opportunity to unwrap the armour but I don't always take it and I am often too transactional in my bargaining. It's a control thing I know. There is a karma yoga thing about "acting for the many that are in and of you" that I've known since I was a kid, but whooboy some of the mirrormes aren't cooperative haha.

Oh that bastard. Yeah, he/me is ALWAYS there. In fact, he/me never shuts the fuck up! I had to bitch slap him/me today in fact — for being too judgmental. I mean, this mother fuckers got an opinion about EVERYTHING. I’ve been trying to beat this pompous prick out of me for decades….

It’s true Budgie, my happiest moments / memories are ALWAYS when I’m in the moment. With no care or thought in the world. Nature does that for me. Specifically, water. Even more specifically, the ocean. So cleansing and humbling. Just calming peacefulness.

I’m glad you wrote this thread. Because like I said, I was thinking about this dick today. Helps me reaffirm that I truly do need to KICK HIS ASS!!!

Yeah! I love it when the ego is egone. Or happy in the moment at least. Just being. Like in the ocean when the waves become my breathing. There's also the flow state, some call it, when doing tasks without monologue thinking, just one thing leading to another and I'm thinking in image-actions and they all mesh together and I'm just a boat on the stream, cooking or typing or cleaning or building or whatever. It is like calm in action, the center of the hurry-cane, the voice is quiet and the ego is static by the world moves like water and the body is the world and the self isn't trapped but has become the enjoyer. I don't know if I could be that way all the time, but I like it and I've found it's a skill that gets better with practice, beyond what is a natural skill like an artist drawing or doing their thing. It can be done with everything. The skill is nativating the blockers that sap the energy and reestablish the self-questioning ego, the gumption traps pirsig called them. I like the water description you give there's a reason they're called flow states. The inner voice isn't yammering in syllables but humming in contentment.