The Art of Asking: Why do We Minimize the Help We Need?

[eriathwen]

My neighbors asked me to watch their dog for “a couple of hours” while they went to Sweden—a day trip that takes two hours each way, plus time there. I said I’d think about it, but something felt off. Turns out, their daughter was going too. A couple of hours? More like all day. Why do people do this—minimize the help they need?

I have a dog, a little girl, and their male can get intense. A short visit is fine, but all day? It stresses her out. My cat can’t even come home—their dog isn’t used to cats. They haven’t trained their dog to be alone, and that’s not my problem. They could’ve followed the rules to bring him to Sweden—vaccines, deworming—but instead, they put it on me. And they weren’t honest about it. I haven’t said yes yet—I’ve got a dentist appointment coming up one of these days, and I want to check that it does not collide with watching their dog. Their daughter’s solution? “No problem, take him with you.” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Michael Ellner said, “Everything is backwards, everything is upside down… governments destroy freedom.” He’s right. This is small, but it’s the same game. They say “a couple of hours” to not be a burden, but by hiding the truth, they burden me more. It’s like weather maps turning a normal summer red to sell a crisis, or governments silencing questions. Little lies, big noise. It’s laziness, dodging responsibility—a tiny mirror of the hierarchy’s tricks. But cowardice helps no one; it’s self-destructive.

If they’d been honest—“We’re gone all day, can you help?”—I might’ve said yes. Or no. But it would’ve been real. Honesty builds trust; minimizing builds stress. It’s a problem we need to face, from the top to the bottom of society. I’d rather spend my day with my dog, painting a messy canvas, than chase the programming of little lies. Maybe it’s time we all asked straight—and trusted the answer. Pull both from the top and from the bottom to find the narrow way. Strong roots don’t grow in shaky ground.

Eriathwen

[eriathwen]

My neighbors asked me to watch their dog for “a couple of hours” while they went to Sweden—a day trip that takes two hours each way, plus time there. I said I’d think about it, but something felt off. Turns out, their daughter was going too. A couple of hours? More like all day. Why do people do this—minimize the help they need?

I have a dog, a little girl, and their male can get intense. A short visit is fine, but all day? It stresses her out. My cat can’t even come home—their dog isn’t used to cats. They haven’t trained their dog to be alone, and that’s not my problem. They could’ve followed the rules to bring him to Sweden—vaccines, deworming—but instead, they put it on me. And they weren’t honest about it. I haven’t said yes yet—I’ve got a dentist appointment coming up one of these days, and I want to check that it does not collide with watching their dog. Their daughter’s solution? “No problem, take him with you.” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Michael Ellner said, “Everything is backwards, everything is upside down… governments destroy freedom.” He’s right. This is small, but it’s the same game. They say “a couple of hours” to not be a burden, but by hiding the truth, they burden me more. It’s like weather maps turning a normal summer red to sell a crisis, or governments silencing questions. Little lies, big noise. It’s laziness, dodging responsibility—a tiny mirror of the hierarchy’s tricks. But cowardice helps no one; it’s self-destructive.

If they’d been honest—“We’re gone all day, can you help?”—I might’ve said yes. Or no. But it would’ve been real. Honesty builds trust; minimizing builds stress. It’s a problem we need to face, from the top to the bottom of society. I’d rather spend my day with my dog, painting a messy canvas, than chase the programming of little lies. Maybe it’s time we all asked straight—and trusted the answer. Pull both from the top and from the bottom to find the narrow way. Strong roots don’t grow in shaky ground.

Eriathwen

Hey everyone,
I’ve noticed that a lot of you have read my last post about my neighbors minimizing their need for help and the broader issue of honesty and responsibility. Thanks for taking the time to check it out! But I also noticed there haven’t been many responses, and that got me thinking. Is it because this hits too close to home? Are we, as a community that’s supposed to lean on truth, finding it hard to face the small truths in our own lives?
I totally get if it feels a bit uncomfortable—I mean, who hasn’t been there? When I wrote about my neighbors saying “a couple of hours” when they really meant all day, it hit me that I’ve probably pulled the same stunt myself at times, whether it’s dodging a hard conversation or hoping someone else will pick up the slack. We’re all human, right? But here’s the thing: we can’t solve the big problems in the world—dishonesty in governments, manipulation in media, or any of the issues we discuss here—if we’re not willing to start with the small ones.
This forum is about uncovering truth, and I love that about us. So let’s use that as our strength. Let’s talk about why it’s so hard to be honest, even in little things. Has anyone else dealt with a situation where someone minimized what they needed from you, or where you caught yourself doing the same? How did it make you feel, and what did you do about it? Or, on a bigger scale, how do we break the cycle where we all want change but wait for someone else to go first?
I’m not pointing fingers here—I’m just as guilty of avoiding truth sometimes, and I bet I’m not alone. But I believe that if we can’t recognize and tackle these small acts of avoidance, we’ll keep spinning in that loop of paradoxes I mentioned. We’ll keep wanting the world to change while hoping someone else will take responsibility. Isn’t it time we start with ourselves?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, even if it’s just a quick comment. What’s one way you’ve seen dishonesty (big or small) hurt a relationship or community? Or what’s one step we could take to be more truthful in our daily lives? Let’s not let this discussion die—let’s use it to live up to the truth we say we value. And hey, if we’re all a little messy and human about it, that’s okay too—no one’s perfect, least of all me!
This is our responsibility to solve, not theirs. ;)
Looking forward to hearing from you!

[midicon]

Hey everyone,
I’ve noticed that a lot of you have read my last post about my neighbors minimizing their need for help and the broader issue of honesty and responsibility. Thanks for taking the time to check it out! But I also noticed there haven’t been many responses, and that got me thinking. Is it because this hits too close to home? Are we, as a community that’s supposed to lean on truth, finding it hard to face the small truths in our own lives?
I totally get if it feels a bit uncomfortable—I mean, who hasn’t been there? When I wrote about my neighbors saying “a couple of hours” when they really meant all day, it hit me that I’ve probably pulled the same stunt myself at times, whether it’s dodging a hard conversation or hoping someone else will pick up the slack. We’re all human, right? But here’s the thing: we can’t solve the big problems in the world—dishonesty in governments, manipulation in media, or any of the issues we discuss here—if we’re not willing to start with the small ones.
This forum is about uncovering truth, and I love that about us. So let’s use that as our strength. Let’s talk about why it’s so hard to be honest, even in little things. Has anyone else dealt with a situation where someone minimized what they needed from you, or where you caught yourself doing the same? How did it make you feel, and what did you do about it? Or, on a bigger scale, how do we break the cycle where we all want change but wait for someone else to go first?
I’m not pointing fingers here—I’m just as guilty of avoiding truth sometimes, and I bet I’m not alone. But I believe that if we can’t recognize and tackle these small acts of avoidance, we’ll keep spinning in that loop of paradoxes I mentioned. We’ll keep wanting the world to change while hoping someone else will take responsibility. Isn’t it time we start with ourselves?
I’d love to hear your thoughts, even if it’s just a quick comment. What’s one way you’ve seen dishonesty (big or small) hurt a relationship or community? Or what’s one step we could take to be more truthful in our daily lives? Let’s not let this discussion die—let’s use it to live up to the truth we say we value. And hey, if we’re all a little messy and human about it, that’s okay too—no one’s perfect, least of all me!
This is our responsibility to solve, not theirs. ;)
Looking forward to hearing from you!

I think if you are going to do a kindness for someone then do it with a good heart.

I am always honest with people and it's an interesting way to live.

[argentus]

My neighbors asked me to watch their dog for “a couple of hours” while they went to Sweden—a day trip that takes two hours each way, plus time there. I said I’d think about it, but something felt off. Turns out, their daughter was going too. A couple of hours? More like all day. Why do people do this—minimize the help they need?

I have a dog, a little girl, and their male can get intense. A short visit is fine, but all day? It stresses her out. My cat can’t even come home—their dog isn’t used to cats. They haven’t trained their dog to be alone, and that’s not my problem. They could’ve followed the rules to bring him to Sweden—vaccines, deworming—but instead, they put it on me. And they weren’t honest about it. I haven’t said yes yet—I’ve got a dentist appointment coming up one of these days, and I want to check that it does not collide with watching their dog. Their daughter’s solution? “No problem, take him with you.” I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Michael Ellner said, “Everything is backwards, everything is upside down… governments destroy freedom.” He’s right. This is small, but it’s the same game. They say “a couple of hours” to not be a burden, but by hiding the truth, they burden me more. It’s like weather maps turning a normal summer red to sell a crisis, or governments silencing questions. Little lies, big noise. It’s laziness, dodging responsibility—a tiny mirror of the hierarchy’s tricks. But cowardice helps no one; it’s self-destructive.

If they’d been honest—“We’re gone all day, can you help?”—I might’ve said yes. Or no. But it would’ve been real. Honesty builds trust; minimizing builds stress. It’s a problem we need to face, from the top to the bottom of society. I’d rather spend my day with my dog, painting a messy canvas, than chase the programming of little lies. Maybe it’s time we all asked straight—and trusted the answer. Pull both from the top and from the bottom to find the narrow way. Strong roots don’t grow in shaky ground.

Eriathwen

I think you ask a very in-depth question, and perhaps in this time of disposable entertainment, people might say to themselves, "I'll think about that later, when I'm in the mental frame of deep thinking."   I wasn't one of those people, but I surely could have been, because I frequently feel that impulse.   

You ask a very important question.    Why do people minimise their need for help?   I've been cooking beef stroganoff this morning, and pondering your question.    I would guess that for most people to be truthful about their need, would be to acknowledge to themselves how much they need help, and thus their self-image of being self-sustaining and indenpendent suffers.    We all want to feel that we are Captains of our own ships, that we're autonomous, and yet that is rarely the complete truth for most of us.   

Where I grew up, up in the wilderness area, there was a man who was referred to as "Buckskin Billy".   I never knew his real name.   He was occasionally sighted by us kids who floated the river on truck inner tubes.   He would wave and we would wave back.   Every few years, he would clop into town on his horse, and buy basic food items.   We never knew where his money came from.   Point is, he chose to live alone, apart from the whirl of humanity, and was surely self-sustaining.    I never thought he truly needed those few goods he came into town for.   I always suspected that he needed a little dose of people, and perhaps to remind himself of why he kept apart.  

Whoa.  That was verbose.  

I think also that people need your help, but don't want to feel obligated, so they minimalise their needs.    "Just a few hours" vs.  "quite possibly all day, and I realise that will take up your WHOLE day, being responsible for my pet, which I've not declded to pay a professional to care for."    They literally made you responsible for the life and care of their pet, assuming that nothing untoward could happen, and assuming you would  pay for the emergency care if it became necessary.  

Neighbors who are completely honest with each other, do these tasks back and forth, because they are trusted.  I would NEVER take advantage of our neighbors, nor would they of us.    My Darlin' and me don't have many friends, but those we have, we consider to be family.    

If you care about the relationship between you and your neighbor, I think it might be incumbent upon you to share with them how you feel about this, and perhaps in that way make a situation of 'mutual assurance' and trust.   If they are irritated or dismissive, that tells you something important also.   

You didn't ask for advice, really, and I didn't intend to give any, but it happened.

[eriathwen]

I think if you are going to do a kindness for someone then do it with a good heart.

I am always honest with people and it's an interesting way to live.

Thank you for getting involved. I have to say that it was a somewhat interesting response to a deep and real problem. "Do it with a good heart. I am always honest with people and it's an interesting way to live." I haven't even said yes to my neighbors—I told them I'd think about it, since I've got a dentist appointment coming up and need to check my schedule. I wasn't asking for advice on kindness—I was asking why we're so afraid to be honest, even in small things. And “I am always honest”? I try to be honest in everything I do, thinking hard about the consequences of even small lies, because I've learned from experience. But I'm human—I slip up sometimes. That's why I reflect, ask questions, and work to see my own biases. Claiming to be "always honest" without admitting we all falter feels like another dodge. Maybe it hit too close to home. We all do it sometimes—minimize, dodge, hope someone else picks up the slack. I've done it too. But if we can't face the small truths, how do we tackle the big ones?

[UltraBudgie]

there is something there, about not being an imposition on people.

downplaying the burden you might present to others.

thinking that would be a 'bad thing' to be needy.

lying to one's self?

something about the dissolution of communal society? that our overarching social responsibility is to not impose ourselves on others, or rely on others. the commercialization of community? "they should have hired a pet-sitter".

maybe overcrowding? necessity of infrastructure where you don't have to rely on others, everyone is a separate cog in the machine, don't grind gears.

like in new york city one of the prime roles of a pedestrian is staying the hell out of the way of others who are in more of a hurry. there's no malace in it, really, it's a virtue almost.

[Maxmars]

I understand that you may consider your neighbors as friendly and warm.

But they too have pressures and drives that are theirs alone, and might even mislead themselves...

I have seen people weave personal narratives that help them cope with reality... including...

"He won't mind.. he's so nice..." and try to make their request less imposing...

Experiment with exploring why you feel guilty saying "I can't help this time" without adding
"Last time it became a problem for me." because you are nice, and enjoy being nice,
and you don't want to 'not' help.

Clearly this hurt you... maybe not 'seriously' but it was a hurt.

Personally, I think you should be able to talk that out with a friend. 
Perhaps they are friendly, but not true reciprocal 'friends.'
Or perhaps they don't 'know' your friendliness is an invitation to explore, not to use.

That really shouldn't matter though...
being nice comes from you, it's not about the other person.

Sorry if I was presumptuous about this response... like my dear friend above...
this was not meant as advice...
just a perspective shared...

[eriathwen]

I think you ask a very in-depth question, and perhaps in this time of disposable entertainment, people might say to themselves, "I'll think about that later, when I'm in the mental frame of deep thinking."   I wasn't one of those people, but I surely could have been, because I frequently feel that impulse.   

You ask a very important question.    Why do people minimise their need for help?   I've been cooking beef stroganoff this morning, and pondering your question.    I would guess that for most people to be truthful about their need, would be to acknowledge to themselves how much they need help, and thus their self-image of being self-sustaining and indenpendent suffers.    We all want to feel that we are Captains of our own ships, that we're autonomous, and yet that is rarely the complete truth for most of us.   

Where I grew up, up in the wilderness area, there was a man who was referred to as "Buckskin Billy".   I never knew his real name.   He was occasionally sighted by us kids who floated the river on truck inner tubes.   He would wave and we would wave back.   Every few years, he would clop into town on his horse, and buy basic food items.   We never knew where his money came from.   Point is, he chose to live alone, apart from the whirl of humanity, and was surely self-sustaining.    I never thought he truly needed those few goods he came into town for.   I always suspected that he needed a little dose of people, and perhaps to remind himself of why he kept apart.  

Whoa.  That was verbose.  

I think also that people need your help, but don't want to feel obligated, so they minimalise their needs.    "Just a few hours" vs.  "quite possibly all day, and I realise that will take up your WHOLE day, being responsible for my pet, which I've not declded to pay a professional to care for."    They literally made you responsible for the life and care of their pet, assuming that nothing untoward could happen, and assuming you would  pay for the emergency care if it became necessary.  

Neighbors who are completely honest with each other, do these tasks back and forth, because they are trusted.  I would NEVER take advantage of our neighbors, nor would they of us.    My Darlin' and me don't have many friends, but those we have, we consider to be family.    

If you care about the relationship between you and your neighbor, I think it might be incumbent upon you to share with them how you feel about this, and perhaps in that way make a situation of 'mutual assurance' and trust.   If they are irritated or dismissive, that tells you something important also.   

You didn't ask for advice, really, and I didn't intend to give any, but it happened.

Thanks for such a thoughtful reply—I really appreciate how you dug into this! I think you’re spot on about self-image being a barrier. It’s hard to admit we need help, because it makes us feel less independent, like you said with Buckskin Billy. I love that story—it shows even the most self-sustaining people have needs they don’t always admit. And yes, minimizing to avoid obligation makes sense too. It’s like my neighbors didn’t want to feel they owed me, but by not being honest, they made it harder for me to trust them. I’m curious—what do you think it would take for more of us to be honest about our needs, even if it feels vulnerable? Or have you ever had a moment where being honest about needing help changed a relationship for the better?

[midicon]

Thank you for getting involved. I have to say that it was a somewhat interesting response to a deep and real problem. "Do it with a good heart. I am always honest with people and it's an interesting way to live." I haven't even said yes to my neighbors—I told them I'd think about it, since I've got a dentist appointment coming up and need to check my schedule. I wasn't asking for advice on kindness—I was asking why we're so afraid to be honest, even in small things. And “I am always honest”? I try to be honest in everything I do, thinking hard about the consequences of even small lies, because I've learned from experience. But I'm human—I slip up sometimes. That's why I reflect, ask questions, and work to see my own biases. Claiming to be "always honest" without admitting we all falter feels like another dodge. Maybe it hit too close to home. We all do it sometimes—minimize, dodge, hope someone else picks up the slack. I've done it too. But if we can't face the small truths, how do we tackle the big ones?

I wasn't giving you advice on kindness lol. I'm just saying if you are going to do someone a favour then do it for positive reasons. I didn't realise you hadn't said yes yet.

I am always honest, even in small things. It's an interesting path and good fun really! I am also very kind, self effacing and humble, so I can get away with the most brutal truths!

Having said that. I am no font of wisdom and can be wrong about stuff. I see many more intelligent people than me here on the boards (I incude you in that) but if nothing else I have integrity and honesty.

[eriathwen]

there is something there, about not being an imposition on people.

downplaying the burden you might present to others.

thinking that would be a 'bad thing' to be needy.

lying to one's self?

something about the dissolution of communal society? that our overarching social responsibility is to not impose ourselves on others, or rely on others. the commercialization of community? "they should have hired a pet-sitter".

maybe overcrowding? necessity of infrastructure where you don't have to rely on others, everyone is a separate cog in the machine, don't grind gears.

like in new york city one of the prime roles of a pedestrian is staying the hell out of the way of others who are in more of a hurry. there's no malace in it, really, it's a virtue almost.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply—I really appreciate your perspective! I think you’re onto something with the idea of not wanting to be an imposition, and how that ties to the dissolution of communal society. It’s true that we’ve lost that natural sense of helping each other, and now it feels like a burden to ask for help—like my neighbors should’ve hired a pet-sitter, as you said. But I’m curious: Do you think minimizing our needs is also a way of lying to ourselves, like you mentioned? My neighbors’ “couple of hours” turned into all day, stressing my dog, keeping my cat from coming home. If they’d been honest, I could’ve said yes or no to what the help raelly involves. Honesty would’ve caused fewer problems than their lie did. It’s not a virtue to minimize if it creates more trouble; it’s cowardice, and it’s self-destructive. And how do we break that cycle, especially when society pushes us to be so independent? I’d love to hear more about your thoughts on that!