I refuse to let go of my grief

[Maxmars]

My condolences. It seems more like cherishing the memory of your wife than grief. If it doesn't interfere with your life or make you shut yourself off from the world and other people, then it's not a problem.

I lost my parents and grandmother and I didn't spend much time mourning. I can only imagine that the loss of a spouse hurts much more.

When I was young, I didn't think in terms of my "spouse was going to be my confidant and advisor, my emotional support and my stronghold/fortress."  I didn't even understand that she was my team mate until later in my marriage...  "When a spouse dies" for me, feels like an understatement.  She was so much more to me than a component of my world... it eventually became like there was no "I" unless there was "us."  What she thought and how she felt became part of me... 

But don't mistake that for a Disney/Hallmark marriage trope... we fought, we had issues, there was even a time when I realized that she could have done better than me for a husband... but I think that my feeling that way would hurt her now... so I'm trying to reject that idea... ugh!  I suppose I'm still growing up...  

This thread was waaaay more difficult than I imagined when I first vented about deciding not to fight the grief anymore.   I was initially prodded into it by watching one of those damned YouTube "Shorts,"  those life advice-spewing garbage droppings that are poisoning the world and telling people "how to feel" and "when." ("Don't think, just watch!")