I refuse to let go of my grief

[Maxmars]

This subject has entered my conversations before.

After 43 years of marriage, my wife died.  It happened last November.  And it has never once, left my mind.

The memory has been as intrusive as a sudden sneeze, as stifling as a tangled blanket, as oppressive as summer heat, as penetrating as winter cold.  It is entirely at once both defining my every moment, and yet as comforting as one of her warm embraces.  Grief has become my new companion...

She is silent, but insistent...
"Never forget," she somehow wordlessly demands,
"But always remember the love first."

Yeah, recently I've been torturing myself with blessed memories.

While carousing among the offerings of what the algorithms 'decide' to show me on popular "short attention-span theater" I became frustrated about messages about grief and loss.  

I however, have come to appreciate its presence now... and no longer seek to 'snuff it out.' 
Or to 'move on' past this new thing that seems as much a part of me, as the very memory of her.

Yes, it hurts me... suddenly starved of her, and the light her very presence brought me.
It's a horrible thing... I find myself fantasizing about a different world where she is not gone.
It's getting tiresome to explain that I lost half of myself, I start to imagine that no one could ever truly care to empathize with such a thing.  And why should they? I'm not offended.

But I think with the first anniversary coming up... will I find a new depth of loss?  Will the time between the day before and the day after the anniversary bring any true change?  Still, it means something to some part of me... and I don't want to slip back into my memories.  Her absence is like a blinding light still... despite the time that has passed.  It hurts me that I appreciate her more, it seems, than when she was my one daily constant... that seems shameful to me; although I know when we look at the past we are often only speaking to ourselves; in our voice, with our own script.

I visited her every single day in the hospital for almost 6 months (she died there)... never missed one (wait - maybe one) ... It was weird to me that rather than feel any sense of relief ... I felt frustrated to not have that continue...

...


Forgive my rambling.  And forgive my self-indulgence please... when there are no real places to express myself, I come here... I seek neither pity nor condolences, I only intended to 'vent.'  I know that to some, actually discussing this is deplorable... I feel sorry for them.

I don't think I can talk about grief and also dispassionately exclude my own experience...  My grief is pervasive that way. 

And I don't feel like I actually want it to go away.

Shouldn't I want this to go away?

[UltraBudgie]

so sorry for your loss
here is a hug for you

[Maxmars]

I am grateful.
Thank you for your kindness.

[FlyersFan]

I feel for you.

My husband is my soul mate.   We met when I was 8 and he was 10.  We have known each other 54 years and have been married almost 35 years.  He recently had bladder cancer and has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons.  That means the future is going to be rough (and expensive).

This means he's probably going to die before me.   And I can't imagine being separated from my soul mate.  I've thought about that a lot in the past couple of months.  How very difficult life is probably going to get while he's here, and then what it's going to be like after he's gone.   It just doesnt' seem right.  it's cruel.

So I feel for you.   I'm not where you are yet but that's probably my future.   And I already want to cry.  

The separation is just wrong ....     

I'll be thinking of you too now.

[Maxmars]

I feel for you.

My husband is my soul mate.   We met when I was 8 and he was 10.  We have known each other 54 years and have been married almost 35 years.  He recently had bladder cancer and has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons.  That means the future is going to be rough (and expensive).

This means he's probably going to die before me.   And I can't imagine being separated from my soul mate.  I've thought about that a lot in the past couple of months.  How very difficult life is probably going to get while he's here, and then what it's going to be like after he's gone.   It just doesnt' seem right.  it's cruel.

So I feel for you.   I'm not where you are yet but that's probably my future.   And I already want to cry.  

The separation is just wrong ....     

I'll be thinking of you too now.

My friend, I wish it weren't so. 

I know the stream of platitudes I could offer would pale against the worst-case scenarios that might assail your imagination.  But I hope that in whatever time you share with your spouse, you can find the very thing you both might need to endure the future.  You see, in all the grief of my loss there still remains a bright lining... that time I spent with my wife as we neared the end was joyous... despite the looming sadness of what was to come... I will tell you that I am not exactly proud of my (purely internal and unshared) emotional response to the news that she 'was going to die no matter what we might do.'  (She was not a candidate for a liver transplant AND a heart transplant... tool old (65,) for one thing, (and the cynic in me also demands I add "and too poor.")

So while I remained frustratingly (for her) upbeat and supportive, she remained stoically committed to embracing her fate.  It was a troubling experience for me... it seemed to manifest as 'denial' on my part... but it was a commitment to make her happy... it was the least I felt I could do.  Her attitude and behavior was stunningly graceful;... for me, it would have called for a Herculean effort to contain my disappointment and grief... she made it look easy, until the last day...

She simply took my hand and told me, "Honey, I'm ready to go... I can't do this anymore."  My shock drove me into numbness... I refuted that she should "go"... and that still makes me feel shame.  Shame that I didn't allow here to hear me accept it... even though I really did... and I think that she was worried for me (may God bless her kind soul.)  

I can't pretend that I have any "advice" for you.  I wouldn't presume that anything I could offer would serve to remedy what your dreading.  But I am going to risk saying that you can offer your husband dignity, and respect (after the soulful love)... I suspect that it will serve him well.  I like to think that my presence served my wife as well... I hope it did.

Speaking of 'hope', don't feel afraid to hope... hope for a turn of fortune, hope for new and better healthcare options, and hope that as bad as it sounds, it might not be the horror show we are always 'told of' in movies, shows, and media... (those things are almost always poison.) 

No one, anywhere on Earth knows your husband the way you do... bank on that.  Where he suffers, you can lead him to access his inner strength, and he, ironically or not, may bolster your strength too... forget guilt, forget anything that detracts from what you and he are 'together'... Nothing trumps that.  The love you found in each other cannot die... ever.

Nature offers reprieves... it's OK to hope for that too.

If I can help... (however unlikely that may be,) please feel free to ask.  I believe in prayer... but if meditation is your analog... do that.

Always celebrate your love... because such a gift seems rarer now than it has ever been.

Be patient with those who want to help, even if they don't really know how.  

I feel like I may be mangling this...

If I could just wish it all away for you, I would do so happily... 

You will be in my thoughts...

[jaded]

Maxmars your words are so poignant.

Lost my Husband 11yrs ago. 
At home as he wished. Don't know that I've done this right but it's what I thought was right. Have been thru much to keep this home, keep our pets, keep what we had here & close. 

Have never cried over his loss, probably cause I've made myself busy trying to live up to being the person he knew I could be. It's all I know to do. 

His memory always brings a smile to my face since many times life brings moments of "but...we weren't done fighting yet!!" Sparring over idea's was our thing. I'm impetious, he was reasoned. We were well matched. Now it's on me to be both.
Hardest thing I've ever done.

It in hindsight is his greatest gift to me.
As pissed as I am he left me too soon. As furious as I am I didn't know enough medical info to help him more. As angry as I still am his doctors didn't know enough. One of my biggest regrets is he isn't here for the ufo disclosure debacle since he'd of loved it! Truly.

As much as we hate it life goes on an we are forced to find our own footing. 
I see it as a challenge he set for me an do my damnedest to make him proud. 

Your words are a inspiration to me, not a lament since I don't know how to grieve as you do. 
A heartfelt lesson, if you will.
Thank You kindly & sincerely

[Kurokage]

[Maxmars]

Occasionally, artists can reach a level of expression that inspires emotions that may not be exactly "desired" by their audience... 

"Nothing Compares to You" reaches that level for me...  

For reasons that probably don't require elaboration, this song hurts to hear... although the sense of resentment separates it from me.

I imagine the grief expressed in this song was more than just "a performance."

"Harmonious" is a word mostly reserved for the musical, but it also relates to synchronous emotions and mindsets... 

Thank you for your harmony... and your understanding.

[Creaky]

We move on but we never forget, it’s a long arduos journey.
I made that pain useful, I focused on others and spent my time caring, it helped me care for myself, it reduced the sharper edges
It never leaves, it just aches less over time, as it should 

I believe in the future promise when all that is broken is repaired, that helps

[Maxmars]

We move on but we never forget, it’s a long arduos journey.
...
I believe in the future promise when all that is broken is repaired, that helps

I was trying to find comfort in the promise. 

But there is some element in me that recognizes it as a matter of faith... and frankly, as the least of God's children, my faith is not exactly helping.  But I do appreciate the idea.  I accept faith, but I don't embrace it as others appear to.

I know that she is free from her long suffering, and I rejoice for her in that freedom. 

I believe that we are not just the flesh machines science is capable of describing, so I do believe there is more to reality than what ends with biological function.  I think we are subject to that... so she still exists somewhere, somehow.  Whether she retains the 'system of memories' we all experience as 'a life' I can't rightly proclaim... but I can imagine that might bring pain. And I want her free of that too.

But - I love her still... and I pray that makes a connection that transcends the physical. 

Unfortunately for me, I can only live in the physical reality I am in, so even that connection fails to comfort me as I would like. 

But of course I'm being childish... since when is life all about what I want.