An (wholly) undeliverable note...

[Maxmars]

I tried to keep you with me...
you didn't stay.

Now, you're gone, 
and the whole of you becomes
perfectly silhouetted in who I am now.

Like a flash spot burned into my vision
a perfect image of your absence

I have an odd urge to give my love to it, 
this memory, this whole image.

But I won't betray you,
this is a thing, not you.
Only a dancing memory,
sweetly caressing my empty spaces.

Can't help but love it though... as I would love you today.

My love, I know you are more than I remember...

I just wasn't done finding out how much more.
I'm still not done.

Wish we could talk, wish I could ...

[UltraBudgie]

Yeah.

[DontTreadOnMe]

That was wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

[Encia22]

Such a beautiful and melancholic eulogy to share with us. Thanks Max.

[quintessentone]

Yeah that is a sad state, I hope I don't experience loss to that extent. I got my psyche to keep on going.

[Maxmars]

I wish I could have told her what I have learned about myself since she went...  
It fills me with sorrow and unending gratitude... it made me start talking to God more sincerely...
Strangely, God doesn't fit the hole she left behind... there's something about that which must be funny, or deeply meaningful.

I am "in a place" over this loss... and it is most definitely not where I wish to be...
But I do want to mourn her... I do want to forever feel everything about her...

I do want her back...
I wasn't done.

I feel like she would see me as a lost child, or an abandoned puppy... given how needy I feel.
She would forgive me the surface weakness... she would comfort me... I hope she would at least try.

But she's not here to try...
and I wouldn't want her new freedom from grief to be darkened by my sorrowful nature...
I hope she doesn't forget me as a lost element of an irrelevant past.

I need to fulfill only one fantasy...
To have her eagerly rush to embrace me, to tell me that yes, she will always love me, and
yes, she knows I tried...

[Maxmars]

I apologize for the break between parts... it was accidental.

This unsendable note was a spur of the moment 60-second kind of thing.

It came from the depths of me... almost unbidden.

Those kind responders made me wonder about where the hell it had come from... I promise I don't live my life looking at the floor agonizing over this... I could - but I don't.

Thus the second part emerged... so I plastered it up there....

Arm chair therapists are not bidden to speculate...

This is simple... I still love her.